What if

I told you God wants us to be happy?

I told you God wants us to trust him?

I told you God wants us to seek him?

I told you God can move mountains?

I told you God knows not “human time”, but “God’s time”?

I told you God hears your prayers?

I told you God has answered your prayers?

I told you I was hurting so bad on December 8th that I could hardly breath, so I left the house to go for a walk, climbed to the top of a rock, watched the sunset, prayed and the only word that could come out of my mouth was “more.” I prayed to God, “I need more, I don’t know what that is, but you do, I am ready for it, so please give it to me.”?

I told you I got this message that night?

“Hi Gabe,
My name is ___ and I was in the pledge class above Lindsay and I’ve been just devastated about her passing. I’ve always had trouble understanding the “why” and “how” when someone is taken so young. I’ve kept up with your blog and it’s truly been so inspiring to me. It’s actually strengthened my faith and encouraged me to live each day to the fullest.

Since Lindsay’s passing I pray for Lindsay, you, and your family every night. Less than a month ago, an aqaintance from high school named ___ here in ___ (where I live) lost her husband in a car accident. I found myself lying in bed one night praying for both of you and couldn’t help but notice the similarities in your situations. During that prayer I felt compelled to pass on your blog to ___. I don’t normally message people at random, so it felt awkward, but nonetheless I felt through my prayer that I should pass it on in hopes she would be comforted by your faith and knowing someone else was going through the same thing. So…I sent her your blog. Surprisingly, she responded immediately (taken back by the similarity) and thanked me for passing it on. She actually asked for your contact information, so I just sent her your name on FB and your blog address. I wanted to let you know and give you her contact info on FB. Her name is ___ from ___.

All that said, I wanted you to know that your writing is a true testament of your faith and I can clearly see God working through you. It is also helping others keep hope and faith in difficult times. 

I will continue to keep you and your sweet family in my prayers.”

I told you just a little bit later that night I received this message?

“Hi Gabe!

___ gave me your name and told me a little about your story. 

Gabe, I am just so sorry! My heart aches for you! From reading your blog and your fb wall, I am already in love with your sweet Lindsay! She is absolutely beautiful and I’m sure the most amazing wife/mom you could have ever dreamed of! I would have loved to have had the chance to meet her! She (you) has inspired me so much already! I can’t even imagine how she must have been in person! I look forward to meeting her someday! 

You both have touched so many people. I can see you have a very large support system as well, but there is just something about talking with someone who is actually living it. Right?

My husband, 18 month old daughter and I were in a car accident on 11/13. (two days after your anniversary) The other vehicle failed to stop at a stop sign and ___ was thrown from our car. I thought he was dead immediately but actually passed away a few hours later at a local hospital. Those images will last forever. (As I’m sure you can remember the most intimate detail of your last day together!) I would love to swap stories about our amazing spouses and our one-of-a-kind marriages! 

Can you be that person for me? Do you already have your “go-to person?” I would like to go through this grieving process with someone, and the obvious choice for me is YOU!  If you are up for it? I have learned a lot about this process and one of them being- everyone grieves differently! So if you don’t feel comfortable about this, I totally support and will understand completely! I just felt compelled to ask. 

God has given me so much peace! You will now be part of my daily prayers and I won’t stop praying for you and those sweet baby boys of yours! I pray he will give you peace and comfort everyday! We can only take this one day at a time!

I would love to stay in contact through texts and/or calls. Face-to-face at some point would even be better! 

Looking forward to hearing from you!”

I told you she lost her high school sweetheart my first day of my “healing” trip that I spent 8 days on?

I told you the week of “healing” for me was the single worst week of this person’s life?

I told you we began communicating and found comfort in each other’s pain?

I told you we could relate on every level from when and how we met our spouse to the faith we have in the Lord to the love we have experienced and lost?

I told you the first week she was thrown into my life, I smiled the first “real” smile since Lindsay had passed away?

I told you we met at the airport and I had more spiritual happenings in 12 hours than I have had in my entire life?

I told you God broke me that week and humbled me to the point of physical pain?

I told you HE lit my Spirit on fire and has restored me?

I told you we have talked every day since December 10th?

I told you we are in love?

I told you we will grieve our first love and continue to love them for the rest of our lives?

I told you we pray every day that we are following God?

I told you we stay conscious of keeping God at the center of our relationship?

I told you she is 28 years old?

I told you her name is Lindsey?

I told you we are not in control?

I told you I live this life for God?


Would you believe me?



You Never Did

Get to tell me you were pregnant…

I remember it so well with Brody…

You took the test and went downstairs to get something to eat. I had to get up to get ready for my trip to Atlanta. While you were downstairs I took a peak at the test and I saw two lines. I was pretty sure it was positive, so I ran to the stairwell and said “What does two lines mean?” You said “Shut up!” I said “Look” and that was it. We were going to welcome our first little blessing from God into this world. We hugged and I think I told you “Everything is going to be great.”

Nine months later we welcomed sweet baby Brody!

I remember it so well with Cash…

You took the test and went to the kitchen to get something to eat. I got excited and jumped out of bed. I looked at the test and again, two lines. I met you half way between the bedroom and the kitchen. Again, you said “Shut up.” We were again so excited. I think I told you “Everything is going to be great.”

I remember it so well…

You were sick and we thought it was mono. We went through the weekend thinking it was suppose to get worse before it got better, because that is what the doctor said. Monday you stayed in bed all day. Tuesday you were in bed when I left for work and I decided to come home just before lunch to check on you. You were so sick, I called the doctor and asked if we should go to the hospital. They said yes, go. So we did.

I picked you up out of bed and carried you out of the house and into the car. We arrive at the hospital and they want to do X-rays. They come in just before you get your X-ray and ask “Do we need to do a pregnancy test?” We looked at each other and at the same time give two different answers. I said “Yes” as you said “No.” Of course we did, what would it hurt?

The X-ray comes back showing double pneumonia. The hospital was a surgical hospital, so they decide to transfer you to a hospital with an ICU. We decide on one not far from the house. You are loaded up in the ambulance for the transfer and I follow you over to the new hospital that will admit you. I watched through the doors as your legs were shaking. I kept trying to tell you to calm down and asked if you were ok. Finally they open the doors and it turns out you just needed to pee. That is just like you and we both had a good laugh.

You get all set up in the isolation room due to your MRSA. They had to take precautions until they could tell it was not active. At that point the nurse told me it would be a good time to go get a bag from home since you were being admitted.

I left the hospital for a little less than an hour to get yours and my things. When I returned the doctor met me at the door and asked me to come look at your X-ray. As we are standing there he informs me you have double pneumonia and you are very sick. All I could think is I was thankful we were now in the hospital so you could get better now. Then the words came out of his mouth…

“We also got the results from the pregnancy test. It came back positive. Your wife is pregnant.”

I walked back to the isolation room to find you on oxygen and everything is now becoming very real. You are sick and I jokingly say “You’re pregnant? This is just like you.” You sort of chuckle underneath the breathing treatment.

At this point, I knew miracle(s) would have to occur in order for everything to be ok. At the same time, I just knew it would all work out. You would get well and we would leave the hospital excited about welcoming our newest little blessing from God. I think I told you “Everything is going to be great.”

After a few days in the hospital they came in to take a sonogram. You were so early on they didn’t see anything. I knew you couldn’t be more than a few weeks pregnant and so they decided to do a numbers test. Your HCG levels came in right around 50. They would do the test a couple days later looking for that number to double.

A couple days later they did another blood test. This time it had gone up to 78, which means it had not doubled, but the stress your body was under it didn’t surprise the doctor.

A couple days later they did another blood test. This time it had gone down to the 40’s. That meant it was not going to be a normal pregnancy and you would just miscarry. At that point, they started treating you like a non-pregnant patient.

A few days later I got this funny feeling. I started to think about the miracle that could happen here. I fully believed you would come home with me, but I also fully believed you would be pregnant and the doctors would be wrong. That would be a miracle that only God could perform.

Friday, the 23rd came around and they said you had an infection attacking the lungs still. They wanted to check to see if maybe you had a tubular pregnancy. I asked why you had not miscarried yet and they said well…

The HCG number had actually gone up. It was over 160!

You were still pregnant. It was a normal pregnancy! I immediately broke down and told the doctor I knew this was going to happen. I told her about the thoughts I had a few days before. I told her I could have told her that you were still pregnant. I could not believe it. The miracle could still happen!


Just a few hours later, I got the call…

Lindsay, you left this world just exactly perfect and complete. How could you, Lindsay, be complete without being pregnant. The boys could not join you in the hospital, so God made sure you had a baby with you when you left this world.

He made sure you were the “complete” Lindsay.

Everything is great.


The Journey

To believers in Jesus Christ…

There will be a day I see you all. Many of you write and say you don’t know me or have never met me or Lindsay. I realize the likelihood of that happening here is slim, but I do know where I will see you one day and I hope you look for me.

So, if we all end up in the same place, what does that mean for us now?

Any war won has not been done without a battle.

Any house built has not been done without a blueprint.

Any marathon completed has not been done without the first 25 miles.

Any painting completed has not been done without a few strokes.

All of these things end with the same result. All of the completions can be beautiful. All them can be achieved by anyone.

What if the important part was not where you are going and what the completion is, but it’s HOW you get to that completion?

Heaven will be beautiful, I have no doubt in that. That is fact.

But to me what can be beautiful and a piece of this eternal life I don’t want to miss is the beauty of HOW I get there.


“I Feel Bad”

Lindsay and her heart…

The second most used phrase by Lindsay, which was only second to “Gabe stop” was “I feel bad.” She never wanted to upset anyone.

She didn’t have it in her to be the bearer of bad news. She would say “I feel bad.”

She never wanted to be the one to say no to an invite. She would say “I feel bad.”

She never said no to something asked of her. She would say “I feel bad.”

I heard this all the time and it made me appreciate her so much. She had the sweetest little heart. I would have to be the one to coach her through these situations that you all have experienced.

It affected her, she would always try to make things right, so no one was upset or hurt.

Well she finally met her match.

She didn’t ask for this, no one did. She didn’t want to go yet, even with paradise waiting for her.

I can promise you she was not thinking about herself when she was stuck in that body, not being able to react.

She was thinking about how bad she felt that people were worried about her. She was thinking about the Thank You notes she was going to pick out and write when she got out of the hospital. She was screaming inside, saying please don’t worry about me. I am fine, I am ok.

When the Lord took her and she felt no more pain, it was the first time she let go. That is what I am thankful for.

It was the first time, she didn’t feel bad.

She couldn’t, she was in paradise with our Lord. I hope he told her exactly what I would tell her. Lindsay, don’t feel bad. They will be taken care of. Yes they will feel pain, they will hurt, but I will take care of them. They will have peace. Enjoy yours. You are my child and I love you just I love them. How do you feel?

“I feel perfect, I feel complete.”

“Promise me you will take care of my family. Promise me you will take care of my friends.”

“Gabe loves you. He talks about you all the time. He knows you are good. He always told me you would be there to take care of us.” “I never understood it, but I trusted him and I trusted that he trusted you.”

“Promise you will take care of my boys.”

“Sweet baby Cash and Brody.”

“I trust you.”


Don’t feel bad. We do hurt, we are sad. We think about you all the time. Everyone has their own memories, their own pain, their own stories.

Stay close. I miss you. I love you. I think about you all the time.

Everyone misses you and that will not go away. You were so amazing. You lived the way you thought was the right way and you never compromised. I looked up to you. I know you relied on me, but I secretly looked up to you. You made me a better man. You showed me the way without even saying anything.

Smile all the time… because of you, so many people are living the life you would want for them. The one that you lived so effortlessly. You were incredible.

When I prayed that if we had to go through hardships to become closer to God, I never imagined this. BUT, Lindsay I feel closer to not only God, but closer to Heaven and I know you have something to do with that. As great as you were down here, I know you are even greater up there. I still have pieces of you here that I hold on to. I have the boys. They are as beautiful as you.

Four months have come and gone. It feels like years and you probably have an explanation for that, but I will wait my turn.

For now, don’t feel bad. Enjoy yourself. Enjoy your paradise. It will be like a flash for you when I see you again. I will be good. Your friends will be good. Don’t worry even if you could.

You better not for two seconds think… “I feel bad.”


Playing the Role Pt. 2

“Mommy, Mommy, Mommy”

“Yes, baby”



“Come here honey, what’s wrong?”

“Mommy, hold me”

“Mommy, I don’t feel good”

“Come here baby, Mommy’s got you”

Lindsay was so great at this. I was her support with this. They never wanted daddy in all of this. Mommy is the “rescue”, Daddy is the “rescue” support.

I will do my best little guys. Bare with me, I’m trying. I love you too. Mommy was good, there is no denying that. I can’t replace that, but I can hold you, kiss your booboo better, give you your medicine and I promise to make sure you get better.

I watched your Mommy, studying her every move. I had a good teacher.

"I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, As long as I'm living my baby you'll be."



1 Corinthians 16:14

“Do everything in love.”

I am here to tell you love does not end. Just like God’s love for us never ends, we too can love forever. Love is an unlimited gift. A gift you receive and a gift given. Everything we do should be out of love.

There is no doubt that when Lindsay was here on Earth I loved her. There is no doubt that I still love her just as much as I did when she was here. There is no doubt that 50 years from now, I will still love her just as much as I do now.

Since love is unlimited and a gift, I choose to accept and use that gift. I will love you, I will love her, I will love HIM. God wants us to love each other, so do just that. He doesn’t say we only get one shot. Paul says, “If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.”

Just know that anything I say or do that is good, is love. Period.

It is because I love my life, I love my God, and I love you.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It alway protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

I will protect, I will trust, I will hope, I will persevere.

Will you?


With Me


Just a week after you left, Cash took his first “real” steps.

Just a month after you left, we celebrated Cash’s first birthday.

Just two months after you left, we celebrated Thanksgiving.

Just three months after you left, we celebrated Christmas.

Everyday I wake up in our house filled with memories of you. I get in the car filled with memories of you. I back out of the driveway filled with memories of you. I drive the streets filled with memories of you. I drop the kids at the daycare filled with memories of you. I walk into the office filled with memories of you. I eat at the restaurants filled with memories of you. I return to the home filled with memories of you and as I tuck the boys in at night and crawl into bed, I do it alone. I do it alone again and again and again.

Well one day the boys will walk into school for the first time.

They will pull out of the driveway.

They will walk across the stage with diploma in hand.

They will walk out of their home for the last time and for the rest of their lives.

They will wait at the end of the aisle for their bride.

They will bring home their babies.

Through all of this… you’re coming with me.