No… Now!

For anyone who knew the “Lindsay and Gabe”, they knew Lindsay was the planner, the coordinator, the idea person. I was the one who would show up and just try to entertain. We have always been a good team, but we knew our roles and Lindsay was always great at hers. She always wanted to do the fun things especially when the boys came in to our lives. Whether it was something simple like going on a walk just because the weather was nice or a seasonal tradition like going to the pumpkin patch with the kids or a family trip to the zoo, Lindsay was the one always saying “Let’s do this, I think it will be fun”. As good of a time as we would have, I would sometimes just say “not this weekend” or “not tonight”, “we can do that tomorrow”, “we can do that next weekend”, “we can do that later”.

You always hear people say this life is short so don’t let it pass you by or live today like there is no tomorrow, but for whatever reason excuses come up and things get put off and the next thing you know that chance is gone. Not just for the day, the weekend, the season, the year, but forever… it is gone.

Two things stick out to me about this past year. One, Lindsay wanted to get pictures with the boys in the blue bonnets on the side of the roads here and two we skipped the pumpkin patch last year because I kept putting it off and just thought “oh well, we will just go next year, Cash will have more fun anyway”.

Two things that would take 2 hours out of our day at most and we would have lasting memories of, but sitting on the couch watching the game was more important.

Well Lindsay I don’t know what else to say other than I am sorry. If I could go back to those days I would and I would go on that walk with you. I would take you and the kids to the pumpkin patch. I would go get pictures of the boys in the blue bonnets. I am sorry.

You have to understand I didn’t know this was going to happen. It kills me that I didn’t do those things with you. Somewhere I got complacent and spoiled in my thinking of we have more time. But reality is, we didn’t have more time and I’m sorry. Please forgive me. I promise not to put things off and ASSUME there is a tomorrow.

I took the boys to the pumpkin patch on Saturday. Colin and Kristen came in town and we met the Colbergs and Longs there. I took lots of pictures and the boys had so much fun. I thought a lot about 2 years ago when we went with Brody and I tried to get some similar pictures with Cash that we had with Brody. We did the hay ride this time and Brody fed the animals. Cash stuck his hands in the animal food and ate some of it… sorry.

I know I can’t change the past, but I can live the way you would want me and the boys to.

Your life WAS short and I promise to live like there is no tomorrow. I love you, I miss you and I am forever better because of you.

Pumpkin Patch 2009

Pumpkin Patch 2011



7 responses to “No… Now!

  • Kelly Nelson

    This one makes my heart hurt. You are so right though. Just know that Lindsay WAS there with you this year too!

  • Michelle Wilkinson

    Heartbreakingly beautiful. Your boys are blessed to have a father with a heart like yours and to have a mother like Linsay watching over them.

  • llfulton

    Dear Gabe,
    You are such a testimony to the goodness and greatness of God…
    In trials you are praising Him.
    Some day you will have many crowns to lay at His feet 🙂
    Thank you for being such a blessing.
    May God’s glory shine on you and your sons today and always.
    Love and Prayers, Lisa Fulton (Abby Streit’s mom)

  • Kim Chapman

    Gabe, your boys are so lucky to have such a wonderful father in you. They are blessed that you are their dad and that Lindsay is their mom. I didn’t really know Lindsay, but there is no doubt that she will live forever in you and that those boys will know her because of you.

  • Allison Gilmore

    Love this entry. You have a gift, your writing is beautiful.

  • Natalie

    You don’t know me, but I know of you and your loss. I stumbled on this blog tonight at the perfect time. My son has been asking for weeks to make pumpkin cookies. I keep saying “maybe tomorrow night” and tonight was thinking the same response. But you’re right, there may not be tomorrow. So tonight, he’ll be up way past bedtime so we can make pumpkin cookies 🙂

    Your boys are so blessed to have you, and Lindsay is too!

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