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“I Feel Bad”

Lindsay and her heart…

The second most used phrase by Lindsay, which was only second to “Gabe stop” was “I feel bad.” She never wanted to upset anyone.

She didn’t have it in her to be the bearer of bad news. She would say “I feel bad.”

She never wanted to be the one to say no to an invite. She would say “I feel bad.”

She never said no to something asked of her. She would say “I feel bad.”

I heard this all the time and it made me appreciate her so much. She had the sweetest little heart. I would have to be the one to coach her through these situations that you all have experienced.

It affected her, she would always try to make things right, so no one was upset or hurt.

Well she finally met her match.

She didn’t ask for this, no one did. She didn’t want to go yet, even with paradise waiting for her.

I can promise you she was not thinking about herself when she was stuck in that body, not being able to react.

She was thinking about how bad she felt that people were worried about her. She was thinking about the Thank You notes she was going to pick out and write when she got out of the hospital. She was screaming inside, saying please don’t worry about me. I am fine, I am ok.

When the Lord took her and she felt no more pain, it was the first time she let go. That is what I am thankful for.

It was the first time, she didn’t feel bad.

She couldn’t, she was in paradise with our Lord. I hope he told her exactly what I would tell her. Lindsay, don’t feel bad. They will be taken care of. Yes they will feel pain, they will hurt, but I will take care of them. They will have peace. Enjoy yours. You are my child and I love you just I love them. How do you feel?

“I feel perfect, I feel complete.”

“Promise me you will take care of my family. Promise me you will take care of my friends.”

“Gabe loves you. He talks about you all the time. He knows you are good. He always told me you would be there to take care of us.” “I never understood it, but I trusted him and I trusted that he trusted you.”

“Promise you will take care of my boys.”

“Sweet baby Cash and Brody.”

“I trust you.”

Lindsay,

Don’t feel bad. We do hurt, we are sad. We think about you all the time. Everyone has their own memories, their own pain, their own stories.

Stay close. I miss you. I love you. I think about you all the time.

Everyone misses you and that will not go away. You were so amazing. You lived the way you thought was the right way and you never compromised. I looked up to you. I know you relied on me, but I secretly looked up to you. You made me a better man. You showed me the way without even saying anything.

Smile all the time… because of you, so many people are living the life you would want for them. The one that you lived so effortlessly. You were incredible.

When I prayed that if we had to go through hardships to become closer to God, I never imagined this. BUT, Lindsay I feel closer to not only God, but closer to Heaven and I know you have something to do with that. As great as you were down here, I know you are even greater up there. I still have pieces of you here that I hold on to. I have the boys. They are as beautiful as you.

Four months have come and gone. It feels like years and you probably have an explanation for that, but I will wait my turn.

For now, don’t feel bad. Enjoy yourself. Enjoy your paradise. It will be like a flash for you when I see you again. I will be good. Your friends will be good. Don’t worry even if you could.

You better not for two seconds think… “I feel bad.”

Gabe

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3 responses to ““I Feel Bad”

  • PaintByLetters

    This post is amazing, as per usual.
    I don’t know you, but I think you’re beautiful. I feel the way you think.
    You obviously loved her very much and continue to do so, in the spirit of love, of her, and of God.
    It’s a rare gift to be so strong in trials, especially one so unique and seemingly insurmountable as yours. I don’t know if presented with a similar situation I would have enough strength to do the same, even in faith. It can hurt to be that type of strong. It can feel like a mockery that you can feel so hurt but somehow people tell you what a great job you’re doing. Yet, your strong faith and honest words are deeply touching and moving. It hits a chord somewhere inside. A chord that sings “This is right. This is what love looks like”. It looks like transformation. It looks like the ocean, vast and powerful. It has a face, a reflection of His own.
    You are a beautiful soul, and a great man. You honor her with your words, and in doing so you honor God and his gifts. I one day hope to share such a love as yours, strong and enduring and encompassing. You are an inspiration and an encouragement. Your words make me cry.
    Thank you for posting. I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but my heart cries out to you.
    Good luck. Sounds like you’re already making an amazing dad. And with such strong faith and beautiful character, you’ll surly continue to do so. Keep faith. Stay beautiful.

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