You Never Did

Get to tell me you were pregnant…

I remember it so well with Brody…

You took the test and went downstairs to get something to eat. I had to get up to get ready for my trip to Atlanta. While you were downstairs I took a peak at the test and I saw two lines. I was pretty sure it was positive, so I ran to the stairwell and said “What does two lines mean?” You said “Shut up!” I said “Look” and that was it. We were going to welcome our first little blessing from God into this world. We hugged and I think I told you “Everything is going to be great.”

Nine months later we welcomed sweet baby Brody!

I remember it so well with Cash…

You took the test and went to the kitchen to get something to eat. I got excited and jumped out of bed. I looked at the test and again, two lines. I met you half way between the bedroom and the kitchen. Again, you said “Shut up.” We were again so excited. I think I told you “Everything is going to be great.”

I remember it so well…

You were sick and we thought it was mono. We went through the weekend thinking it was suppose to get worse before it got better, because that is what the doctor said. Monday you stayed in bed all day. Tuesday you were in bed when I left for work and I decided to come home just before lunch to check on you. You were so sick, I called the doctor and asked if we should go to the hospital. They said yes, go. So we did.

I picked you up out of bed and carried you out of the house and into the car. We arrive at the hospital and they want to do X-rays. They come in just before you get your X-ray and ask “Do we need to do a pregnancy test?” We looked at each other and at the same time give two different answers. I said “Yes” as you said “No.” Of course we did, what would it hurt?

The X-ray comes back showing double pneumonia. The hospital was a surgical hospital, so they decide to transfer you to a hospital with an ICU. We decide on one not far from the house. You are loaded up in the ambulance for the transfer and I follow you over to the new hospital that will admit you. I watched through the doors as your legs were shaking. I kept trying to tell you to calm down and asked if you were ok. Finally they open the doors and it turns out you just needed to pee. That is just like you and we both had a good laugh.

You get all set up in the isolation room due to your MRSA. They had to take precautions until they could tell it was not active. At that point the nurse told me it would be a good time to go get a bag from home since you were being admitted.

I left the hospital for a little less than an hour to get yours and my things. When I returned the doctor met me at the door and asked me to come look at your X-ray. As we are standing there he informs me you have double pneumonia and you are very sick. All I could think is I was thankful we were now in the hospital so you could get better now. Then the words came out of his mouth…

“We also got the results from the pregnancy test. It came back positive. Your wife is pregnant.”

I walked back to the isolation room to find you on oxygen and everything is now becoming very real. You are sick and I jokingly say “You’re pregnant? This is just like you.” You sort of chuckle underneath the breathing treatment.

At this point, I knew miracle(s) would have to occur in order for everything to be ok. At the same time, I just knew it would all work out. You would get well and we would leave the hospital excited about welcoming our newest little blessing from God. I think I told you “Everything is going to be great.”

After a few days in the hospital they came in to take a sonogram. You were so early on they didn’t see anything. I knew you couldn’t be more than a few weeks pregnant and so they decided to do a numbers test. Your HCG levels came in right around 50. They would do the test a couple days later looking for that number to double.

A couple days later they did another blood test. This time it had gone up to 78, which means it had not doubled, but the stress your body was under it didn’t surprise the doctor.

A couple days later they did another blood test. This time it had gone down to the 40’s. That meant it was not going to be a normal pregnancy and you would just miscarry. At that point, they started treating you like a non-pregnant patient.

A few days later I got this funny feeling. I started to think about the miracle that could happen here. I fully believed you would come home with me, but I also fully believed you would be pregnant and the doctors would be wrong. That would be a miracle that only God could perform.

Friday, the 23rd came around and they said you had an infection attacking the lungs still. They wanted to check to see if maybe you had a tubular pregnancy. I asked why you had not miscarried yet and they said well…

The HCG number had actually gone up. It was over 160!

You were still pregnant. It was a normal pregnancy! I immediately broke down and told the doctor I knew this was going to happen. I told her about the thoughts I had a few days before. I told her I could have told her that you were still pregnant. I could not believe it. The miracle could still happen!

Then…

Just a few hours later, I got the call…

Lindsay, you left this world just exactly perfect and complete. How could you, Lindsay, be complete without being pregnant. The boys could not join you in the hospital, so God made sure you had a baby with you when you left this world.

He made sure you were the “complete” Lindsay.

Everything is great.

Gabe

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18 responses to “You Never Did

  • Stephanie

    This post is so beautifully written. Your boys will have so many sweet memories forever because of your blog. Your faith is so solid,brother. Stand firm. You are an amazing child of God and daddy to those handsome boys.

  • Joy

    I’m writing this with tears in my eyes. I am still so very sorry for your loss, but also happy that she has a little one with her. Continuing to pray for you!!

  • Razan

    Wow…I am so sorry to find out your complete loss…but I’m so thankful to see you count the blessings and see the light and not the darkness of the situation. Although I am crying, I feel happiness for Lindsay…God Bless.

  • Lee Mendenhall

    Gabe:

    My wife, Christi, cheered with Lindsay in high school. She reads your blog and reads it aloud to me. Your blog keeps my head a float, and keeps me striving to be the best father, friend, and husband I can be. I am a Christian, but have not followed in his footsteps for quite sometime. I do pray every night for him to give me strength, patience and wisdom…I cannot imagine the path that is layed before you and how you have the courage to travel the path with no hesitation. Your story stikes home deep into our hearts. After each time she reads this aloud, we look at each other and ponder the big “What if”. Our hearts go out to you and your family. Thank you for sharing your story.

    Lee

    • Gabe

      I love to hear from couples that are reading these together. There is something very special about that. If you can keep God at the center of your marriage, it can only be good. I realize a lot of this is hard to hear or read, but I am so glad people are seeing the message that God wants you to hear in all of this. I will share as long as he wants me too. Thanks for reading. Gabe

  • Hilary Trottier

    Gabe, I can’t help but cry whenever I read your blog. It’s so neat and wonderful to have a glimpse into your life with Lindsay. I didn’t realize she was pregnant. I think that I read in one of your previous blog posts that she had a miscarriage once before. Just think, she is in Heaven with both of the babies that you have not yet met.

  • Christi Schroeder

    My heart aches for you and your loss, but also soars from the power of your faith. You are an inspiration. Thank you for this blog. It’s a solid reminder that something far more powerful exists. Take care and keep believing.

    • Gabe

      Thanks Christi, please don’t let your heart ache. I will do the aching for the two of us, ok? God has given me ALL the comfort and peace I need to continue in this life and to truly live. It is easy to be inspired when the Lord takes over and makes your Spirit a little brighter. My goal is to have the brightest light in the room wherever I am. Thanks for reading. Gabe

  • Jeremy

    wow. I’m sorry for your loss, and praying that God will bring comfort to you and your family.

  • Jill

    What an amazing person you are. How blessed Lindsey was to leave this world with a baby and how lucky your boys are to have such a strong and faithful father. Reading this blog gives me such strength. May god bless you and your sons

  • windy

    Hi,

    I did not know you or Lindsey. I happened upon this blog through others that I follow. I pray for you and your beautiful boys. I am so glad that you find the comfort that the Lord is providing. I lost my loved one ten years ago, through a tragic accident, and I still think of him every single day. How very beautiful that you have two precious human beings that you made together out of love. Good luck to you. May peace be with you.

    • Gabe

      I am sorry you lost your loved one 10 years ago, I know I will never forget Lindsay and will continue to have the love for her that I had when she was here. As Lindsey would put it, “Our spouses are perfect now. How could our love be any less than it was the day they left? They are perfect.”

      Gabe

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