When Lindsay and I were in college I went through some times that were pretty insignificant looking back on now, but seemed very hard at the time. It seemed like the end of the world and I was upset, but Lindsay was always right there by my side to be my rock. She always found a way to make me feel better when I was down and I tried to do the same for her. We were a team… we still are.
When I got the disappointing news of this event Lindsay gave me a card. She was always one to give cards and notes because she couldn’t always find the words in the moment, but she seemed to find them as soon as the ink hit the paper. She was a big fan of stationary and cards, so maybe there was something to that.
I broke out the “Gabe Box” the other day and I came across this which I feel like she wanted me to read now, just another way my best friend is taking care of me…
Today I told Lindsay I loved her for the first time. I know we have talked about when we knew we would say it to each other, but I feel when you put too much pressure on it, it isn’t natural. Well today was a perfect example of how that holds true. Lindsay and I were in the car headed back to my house when I looked over and just said it. I didn’t feel it building up, I didn’t plan it, I just felt it. I actually said “sorry, that slipped”. I didn’t know what else to say. She just smiled, but she did not return the gesture… at least with words. I want her to feel it and mean it when she says it for the first time, so I am ok with that.
However, now that it is out in the open that I feel that way about her I just want to tell her all the time. I am not going to put that kind of pressure on her though. I will continue to just show her how I feel, I don’t need those 3 little words to show her how I feel so I will keep it to a minimum.
I remember my Uncle Jerry telling me that he doesn’t say it very much because it isn’t necessary. When you really love someone you don’t need to, you just show them and they do the same. I feel like that is true.
Well it feels good to know I mean it and I feel like I will for a long time, maybe forever. She is so amazing.
Goodnight.
– December 1998
Dear Diary…
It has been a couple weeks since I wrote last but Lindsay said “I love you too”. She always finds a way to make things special. I had already kissed her bye and boarded the bus for the church ski trip and while looking out the window I saw her motion me to come back out. I got down off the bus and she said “I love you too”. We kissed and I was on my way. I am so glad she did, it was going to be hard being gone for 3 days without her. This makes it easier. Hopefully it is the first of many.
Goodnight.
– December 1998
Dear God…
Please restore my wife’s health. She has spent 3 days in the hospital and is not doing very well. As you know, she is very sick and I pray that you will restore her health and bring her home to me and the boys. I promise I will take care of her and help get her back on her feet. She is in a lot of pain and I hate seeing her like this. It is hard watching her on the paralytic knowing that she can’t move even if she is trying. Thankfully the doctors took her off it for a while today and she was able to communicate.
I was watching her clinch her eyes so I began asking her yes and no questions to see if she would respond. I asked if she was clinching her eyes to respond and she clinched them. I said “clinch them again if you are really responding”, she clinched them. I was so happy to be able to communicate with her again. I had not been able to do so since Tuesday when we got here to the hospital. I asked her if she was in pain and she clinched so I know she is hurting which is the most helpless feeling. Please give me the strength that I need for her right now.
Amen.
Lindsay…
“Do you need anything?” (Clinch).
“I have to ask you yes or no questions so this may get hard”.
“Is it your feet?” (Clinch).
“Do you want me to cover them with the blanket?” (Clinch).
(I cover them and rub them to warm them)
“Is there anything else I can do?”
(Lindsay waves me over with her hands just as much as they would move)
(I approach and she holds both arms out)
(She bends her fingers in to her motioning me to hug her)
(I lean in and give her a hug)
(We don’t move but only for me to kiss her face and head since the breathing tube is blocking her mouth)
(I could feel her release)
“You ok?”
(Lindsay points to herself, puts both index fingers together and draws the shape of a heart in the air, then points at me)
“I love you too.”
Dear God…
Please be with Lindsay, she had another bad evening and is back on the paralytic. We can no longer communicate so I cannot know the pain she is in. I need her and the boys need her, please restore her for us. We need her. Please. I will never deny you, please just restore her.
Amen.
Dear God…
Please take care of my wife. She is with you now and I am left here to raise these boys which I know you will help me do. Give me the strength I need. I will never deny you, I love you and I thank you for giving me the love of my life for 13 years. She and the boys are the greatest gifts you have ever given me. I will raise the boys to love you too and make sure they do not grow heavy hearts. You are the only way of life and I know that. Thank you for her, thank you for giving her eternal life, and thank you for restoring her health.
For anyone who knew the “Lindsay and Gabe”, they knew Lindsay was the planner, the coordinator, the idea person. I was the one who would show up and just try to entertain. We have always been a good team, but we knew our roles and Lindsay was always great at hers. She always wanted to do the fun things especially when the boys came in to our lives. Whether it was something simple like going on a walk just because the weather was nice or a seasonal tradition like going to the pumpkin patch with the kids or a family trip to the zoo, Lindsay was the one always saying “Let’s do this, I think it will be fun”. As good of a time as we would have, I would sometimes just say “not this weekend” or “not tonight”, “we can do that tomorrow”, “we can do that next weekend”, “we can do that later”.
You always hear people say this life is short so don’t let it pass you by or live today like there is no tomorrow, but for whatever reason excuses come up and things get put off and the next thing you know that chance is gone. Not just for the day, the weekend, the season, the year, but forever… it is gone.
Two things stick out to me about this past year. One, Lindsay wanted to get pictures with the boys in the blue bonnets on the side of the roads here and two we skipped the pumpkin patch last year because I kept putting it off and just thought “oh well, we will just go next year, Cash will have more fun anyway”.
Two things that would take 2 hours out of our day at most and we would have lasting memories of, but sitting on the couch watching the game was more important.
Well Lindsay I don’t know what else to say other than I am sorry. If I could go back to those days I would and I would go on that walk with you. I would take you and the kids to the pumpkin patch. I would go get pictures of the boys in the blue bonnets. I am sorry.
You have to understand I didn’t know this was going to happen. It kills me that I didn’t do those things with you. Somewhere I got complacent and spoiled in my thinking of we have more time. But reality is, we didn’t have more time and I’m sorry. Please forgive me. I promise not to put things off and ASSUME there is a tomorrow.
I took the boys to the pumpkin patch on Saturday. Colin and Kristen came in town and we met the Colbergs and Longs there. I took lots of pictures and the boys had so much fun. I thought a lot about 2 years ago when we went with Brody and I tried to get some similar pictures with Cash that we had with Brody. We did the hay ride this time and Brody fed the animals. Cash stuck his hands in the animal food and ate some of it… sorry.
I know I can’t change the past, but I can live the way you would want me and the boys to.
Your life WAS short and I promise to live like there is no tomorrow. I love you, I miss you and I am forever better because of you.
I am 16, Lindsay is 15 in the Spring of 1999. We are in the Jeep with the top down, its warm, sunny, and we don’t have a care in the world. Lindsay is wearing her tee shirt and cheer shorts with her hair pulled back. Lindsay has a car, but we prefer to be around each other as much as possible so instead of her driving to cheer practice I am driving her to and from. I’ve got my hand on the manual gear shift and Lindsay has hers on mine with her tiny little fingers barely woven in mine.
The wind is blowing, the cars on the road are contributing to the soundtrack of our ride and we have the music on just enough to hear over the cars. I have more than enough music to choose from but Lindsay has her own ideas of what to listen to. The norm is Blink 182 when I get to choose or Barenaked Ladies which is kept on heavy rotation. Lindsay decides to reach into her music collection which she keeps in my car and pulls out a new one. It’s country which is not a favorite of mine, but she insists so the CD goes in.
The music starts playing and its a more upbeat country songs and a female voice follows the intro. Lindsay’s voice quickly follows.
Baby, what do you say we just get lost? Leave this one horse townlike two rebels without a cause. I got people in Boston. Ain’t your daddy still in Des Moines? We can pack up tomorrow. Tonight, let’s flip a coin
Still holding the note with the artist, Lindsay being her adorable self digs to find a quarter in the change cup, pulls it out and the chorus kicks in.
Heads, Carolina Tails, California. (Lindsay holds quarter in hand and flips both sides over) Somewhere greener, somewhere warmer. Up in the mountains, down by the ocean. (Lindsay points up, then down) Where? It don’t matter, as long as we’re goin’ (Lindsay shrugs shoulders, turns to me and motions back and forth with index finger) Somewhere together. I’ve got a quarter. (Lindsay points to self and holds up quarter) Heads, Carolina Tails, California. (Lindsay holds quarter in hand and flips both sides over)
I smile, look at Lindsay adoringly as much as I can while still driving and the song continues.
We can load what we own in the back of a U-haul van. Couple modern day Moses’, searchin for the promised land. We can go four hundred miles before we stop for gas. We can drive for a day, and then we’ll take a look at the map.
Heads, Carolina Tails, California. Somewhere greener, somewhere warmer. Up in the mountains, down by the ocean. Where? It don’t matter, as long as we’re goin’ Somewhere together. I’ve got a quarter. Heads, Carolina Tails, California.
We’re gonna get outta here if we gotta ride a Greyhound bus. Boy, we’re bound to outrun the bad luck that’s tailin’ us
Heads, Carolina Tails, California. Somewhere greener, somewhere warmer. Up in the mountains, down by the ocean. Where? It don’t matter, as long as we’re goin’ Somewhere together. I’ve got a quarter. Heads, Carolina Tails, California.
O—oh, California! Carolina! California!
We pull into the drive way, I turn off the engine and we hop out of the Jeep filled with love, energy, innocence and everything that goes along with being two kids in love where nothing else matters but being with each other.
I walk her to the door, kiss her goodnight, and walk back only to find myself listening to the song again.
From then on I always made sure to have a quarter in the car.
I was at Lindsay’s grave site and I was having a hard day. I was emotional, I was hurting and I was needing answers. Not so much the “why is Lindsay gone?”, but more about our souls. For the days leading up to this visit I had been trying to think in terms of “unfathomable” since that is what Heaven is supposed to be. I know that in itself does not make sense but my human instinct was trying to imagine the “unfathomable” concept of how our soul lives on and what the purpose of our soul is here on Earth. That lead into the thoughts of whether or not on some level my soul and Lindsay’s soul was still communicating. Since we can’t see our soul or feel our soul could it be possible? I chose to believe they were and that stayed on my mind for days, it was all that was on my mind.
While sitting at Lindsay’s grave in my moment of weakness I was praying, crying, and trying to seek answers. I began thinking about our souls again. All of the sudden like I was a child with total clarity learning something for the first time I had these thoughts…
I have a soul that became one with God when I accepted Christ as my Lord and Saviour. Lindsay has a soul that became one with God when she accepted Christ as her Lord and Saviour.
When we took our vow of marriage our souls became one and both souls already belonging to God joined to form one soul that would then be one with God as well.
It was as simple as 1, 2, 3 and I felt an incredible sense of clarity and peace I had yet to feel since her passing. I literally said out loud “that’s it”, wiped my tears, kissed her goodbye and was on my way.
I know this should be common knowledge when getting married as believers, but this was the first time I recognized this. The days leading up to my visit I had been discussing my “soul theory” with a friend. The next day I was talking with my friend and they said the night before they were reading the bible and referenced Genesis 2:22-24 where God says he formed a woman from a rib of man and then man will leave his father and mother and will be united with his wife, and they will become one flesh. I had never heard this before as crazy as that sounds, but this is exactly what God told me while sitting next to her. I knew it was divine at this point.
Since then I have researched more on the subject of marriage, man, woman, biblical laws and widows. It discusses women being bound to their husband as long as he is alive, once he dies, by law she is no longer bound to him and is free to remarry. It mentions younger widows should remarry to avoid sinful ways, but there is one statement that sticks out to me more than any other…
1 Corinthians 7:39-40 states “A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord. In my judgment, she is happier if she stays as she is-and I think that I too have the Spirit of God.”
I choose to believe this true. I know we go through our “lives” as humans satisfying human needs and doing human things, but my thought process has changed. When you begin to think in terms of “Eternity” you change the way you live, you are no longer focused on the human way of life and you now focus on your eternal walk with God and your spiritual life which is eternal. Our “life” here on Earth is short, we all know that, but the truth to that is “Eternity” is forever and when we believe and understand that, we can truly start living.
In that regard I choose to believe Lindsay and I are still joined as one. Our soul is still alive in “Eternal” life and one day we will reunite. I don’t know what God has in store for me and the boys, but I will live every second of my life from here forward as it is eternal life.
The only way I know I will get this eternal life is I accepted Christ as my Lord and Saviour and I am thankful for that.
A year ago Brody began sleeping in his current “big boy” bed in anticipation of Cash coming, who would be taking the crib. Since then, Brody has not slept one single full night through. Lindsay had it the roughest, she was always the one to take him back to bed and comfort him, it wasn’t that I didn’t want to, he just wanted his Mommy and she was happy to do it. This is the same child that slept at least 12 hours every night for the first 18 months of his life.
Fortunately about 3 months ago I decided to start helping the situation by putting Brody to bed even though he was kicking and screaming for Mommy and he eventually did ok with it. It was not easy though. I am glad we did that and of course God was preparing us for this situation, so the transition now has been much easier than it would have been.
Last night Brody fell asleep on the couch about 8p which is highly unusual in itself. He has never done that and always has put up a quick fight before bed, but last night was different. He was just ready for bed. At 10:30p when I was about ready to go to bed he woke up and was crying “Mommy, Mommy, Mommy”, not frantic, but you could hear in his voice he just wanted her. That was the first night this had occurred. He has asked for her and cried for her, but this was the first “late night” cry for her. I met him at his door, picked him up and gently laid him in his bed. As I do every night, I whispered to him “Mommy loves you, Daddy loves you, and God loves you”. He went right back to sleep.
Since he is such an early riser, I never set an alarm clock because I have a human alarm clock. This morning was different. I heard his door slam, then about 20 seconds later I heard my door knob turn and entered Brody. All normal except for the fact it was 8a.
The first time he cries for Mommy in bed and the first 12 hour night in a year. Thank you Lindsay and thank you God for once again showing us how our “little blessings” are closer to you than we know.
Here is a video I recorded on my phone from an audio/video monitor of Lindsay reading a bedtime story to Brody in November last year…
This is the last of previous posts, this is from 10/7/11…
Here is a story about my day yesterday… A couple days ago I asked God to give me a sign that Lindsay was with me, which I do believe she is, I just was trying to grab on to something tangible in a moment of weakness. I went to bed that night disappointed. Brody is sick and I was with him at home all day yesterday and things were just not going well. As I was getting the boys fed and ready for bed I decided to get one of the frozen dinners that people had brought over and picked the one I thought looked most enticing. It read “cheesy chicken pasta” and had the very detailed heating instructions written on top of the foil. I heated it for 90 minutes, then removed to stir as the instructions said. As I was stirring I started thinking it looked like something Lindsay use to make, then it clicked… Either the week before she went into the hospital or the week before that I came home one day to a huge batch of pasta that she was making. I asked her what she was doing and she said making frozen dinners for us (which she had NEVER done before and really didn’t have a straight answer for it). She made 2. So last night Lindsay cooked for me and it was a the best meal I have had in a long time. The next one I will be eating on our anniversary 11/11/11. Thank you God.
When Lindsay and I got married I really wanted this song to be the first song we danced to, but TOGETHER we decided to make it “At Last” by Etta James. So instead since Lindsay knew it was important to me, she surprised me with this as our last song to dance to at the wedding before we left the reception. For me that last dance was even more special than the first because she gave me the gift of in her way telling me she loved me beyond words. She very rarely surprised me, but this was one I will never forget.
I want to get all these in one place, so the next couple of posts today will be ones you more than already saw on Facebook…
Lindsay use to write me notes just about daily in High School. We saved them all in something she had created called the “Gabe Box”. This is one that stood out to me…
I want to begin with how Lindsay first came in to my life. Lindsay and I grew up about 5 miles from each other, but we attended different elementary schools in Arlington. It was not until Junior High that we went to the same school and we did not meet until High School.
I know it is cliché to say, but I knew from the first time I saw Lindsay she would be in my life. One day after school when I was in my 9th grade year, Lindsay was in her 8th grade year, we were both waiting for our ride to pick us up on the side of the school. I will forever have the image of her in my mind, it has never left me and I was so enamored with her that I remembered even the dress she was wearing. She had a mouth full of braces, beautiful olive skin and a little plaid, grey dress.
Lindsay and I would not go on our first date until Valentines Day 1998 and that was not really the beginning of our love story. We had some mutual friends and one in particular was her sister. I knew Devon well before I had a chance to work up the courage to talk to Lindsay. Through the youth group at church and friends at school, Devon and I had a conversation at some point about my interest in Lindsay. She was kind enough to put a good word in for me with her and I eventually asked Lindsay to be my Valentine. I had one friend with a car at the time, so we did a double date with them. Lindsay and I had our own chauffeur for the night. Lets just say there weren’t too many fireworks between us. It was the first time we had spent any amount of time together and I was ridiculously nervous and Lindsay was just fulfilling a favor to her sister. I don’t remember much conversation, but something that we both remembered well was when I just cupped my hand underneath hers on the way back to her house just to let her know I enjoyed the night and I appreciated her. For her it was just an awkward moment.
Fast forward to “First Event” in High School her Sophomore year, my Junior year and I show up with my new car. Oh how a little accessory can catch the attention of a beautiful girl. That night I ran into Lindsay and she invited me and some guys over to her house after the school function. We are on our way and in her neighborhood when we see a car of a couple other guys that she had invited as well, which they were leaving and stopped to tell us her boyfriend was over there and we needed to wait a little while before going back. Turns out, they did not go back and I had a little more patience and persistence because we eventually made our way over there. It was meant to be just a friendly gathering, she had a boyfriend which was great and it was me and some buddies just going to entertain. We ended up having a lot of fun and phone numbers were exchanged, but on a friend level. It was very understood she was taken and I was perfectly fine with the “friend” status.
As the weeks went on we spent more and more time together, helping with homework, going to church, going to lunch after church, so on and so on. I am not sure at what point we started getting on the same page about the appreciation we had for each other but it must have been some time in September or October of 1998. Things got a little rocky between her and her boyfriend (which I still feel bad about), but it was like we just knew there was something bigger than a “High School Romance” at stake.
Neither one of us wanted to cross any lines before things were right with her boyfriend because Lindsay really did have a huge heart and she really struggled with the fact she knew she was about to break someone’s heart. To be perfectly honest all I cared about was being close to her and was willing to wait however long I needed to and she knew that.
Fast forward through some of the crazy high school stuff and on 11/11/98 we decided we would be exclusive to each other and the rest is history. We eventually got married on our 7 year anniversary, 11/11/2005.
Through our marriage, having children and just building a life together, I often times go back to that day outside Junior High waiting for our rides. That memory of her was the first time God said “I have something great planned for the two of you, it will be on my time, but trust in me and you will have the greatest human love and the blessings I will provide are greater than you can ever imagine.”
I am thankful for every second I spent with her, talked to her, or even thought about her. I will love that girl for the rest of my life and God really came through with his promise. Thank you God for ALL my blessings and please take care of that little girl with the mouth full of braces, beautiful olive skin, wearing the little, grey dress.
I lost my wife two weeks ago to the day and this is what “dealing” with a loss through the eyes of faith looks like.
My wife’s name is Lindsay, she is the love of my life and I am so thankful for the time I got to spend with her here on Earth. We have two boys together, Brody Journey Lewis (2.5 years) and Cash Allen Lewis (11 months). Lindsay was a healthy 28 year woman that suddenly got very sick, ended up in the hospital, and passed 10 days later. This is my response to her death that gives you an idea of who we are…
“I am unbelievable heartbroken to say that my best friend, wife, the mother of my 2 beautiful children has joined the sweet Lord in Heaven as of this afternoon. She fought as hard as she possibly could but there were too many things going on inside her body to fight. She literally fought to the very end. I first saw Lindsay when she was in 8th grade and God told me right then that she was going to be in my life. I knew the second I saw her that I would love her. It took a few years, but God came through and put her in my life and from then on I never stopped loving her. She is an amazing woman, mother, wife, friend, the list goes on. She had a huge heart, a stubborn heart and a beautiful way about her. She was so beautiful on the outside but it was like she never knew it. She sometimes got upset because she would think people thought she was rude, but she was really just a humble, shy, and very modest human being. She never knew how beautiful she was even though I tried telling her everyday as well as friends. She gave me 2 of the most precious gifts that I could ever ask for in Cash Lewis and Brody Lewis. They will carry her inside of them for the rest of their lives and I will do my best to make her proud as a parent. She is a very special girl and I will miss her EVERY DAY. She loved all of you and I am so thankful for your prayers throughout this fight. The support has been amazing. I wish she could have seen it, but God has a bigger plan for her in Heaven. He has a plan for all of us and no matter what, our faith cannot waver. She is in Heaven, she is out of pain, and she is smiling down on us and probably feeling bad she can’t hug on us. Lindsay ‘Breault’ Lewis I will always love you, you have made my life amazing and I will take everything you taught me with me to my grave.”
I enjoy telling stories about her and this is my way to share with others.
Part of the Miracle 