I. Love. You.

Dear Diary…

Today I told Lindsay I loved her for the first time. I know we have talked about when we knew we would say it to each other, but I feel when you put too much pressure on it, it isn’t natural. Well today was a perfect example of how that holds true. Lindsay and I were in the car headed back to my house when I looked over and just said it. I didn’t feel it building up, I didn’t plan it, I just felt it. I actually said “sorry, that slipped”. I didn’t know what else to say. She just smiled, but she did not return the gesture… at least with words. I want her to feel it and mean it when she says it for the first time, so I am ok with that.

However, now that it is out in the open that I feel that way about her I just want to tell her all the time. I am not going to put that kind of pressure on her though. I will continue to just show her how I feel, I don’t need those 3 little words to show her how I feel so I will keep it to a minimum.

I remember my Uncle Jerry telling me that he doesn’t say it very much because it isn’t necessary. When you really love someone you don’t need to, you just show them and they do the same. I feel like that is true.

Well it feels good to know I mean it and I feel like I will for a long time, maybe forever. She is so amazing.

Goodnight.

– December 1998

Dear Diary…

It has been a couple weeks since I wrote last but Lindsay said “I love you too”. She always finds a way to make things special. I had already kissed her bye and boarded the bus for the church ski trip and while looking out the window I saw her motion me to come back out. I got down off the bus and she said “I love you too”. We kissed and I was on my way. I am so glad she did, it was going to be hard being gone for 3 days without her. This makes it easier. Hopefully it is the first of many.

Goodnight.

– December 1998

Dear God…

Please restore my wife’s health. She has spent 3 days in the hospital and is not doing very well. As you know, she is very sick and I pray that you will restore her health and bring her home to me and the boys. I promise I will take care of her and help get her back on her feet. She is in a lot of pain and I hate seeing her like this. It is hard watching her on the paralytic knowing that she can’t move even if she is trying. Thankfully the doctors took her off it for a while today and she was able to communicate.

I was watching her clinch her eyes so I began asking her yes and no questions to see if she would respond. I asked if she was clinching her eyes to respond and she clinched them. I said “clinch them again if you are really responding”, she clinched them. I was so happy to be able to communicate with her again. I had not been able to do so since Tuesday when we got here to the hospital. I asked her if she was in pain and she clinched so I know she is hurting which is the most helpless feeling. Please give me the strength that I need for her right now.

Amen.

Lindsay…

“Do you need anything?” (Clinch).

“I have to ask you yes or no questions so this may get hard”.

“Is it your feet?” (Clinch).

“Do you want me to cover them with the blanket?” (Clinch).

(I cover them and rub them to warm them)

“Is there anything else I can do?”

(Lindsay waves me over with her hands just as much as they would move)

(I approach and she holds both arms out)

(She bends her fingers in to her motioning me to hug her)

(I lean in and give her a hug)

(We don’t move but only for me to kiss her face and head since the breathing tube is blocking her mouth)

(I could feel her release)

“You ok?”

(Lindsay points to herself, puts both index fingers together and draws the shape of a heart in the air, then points at me)

“I love you too.”

Dear God…

Please be with Lindsay, she had another bad evening and is back on the paralytic. We can no longer communicate so I cannot know the pain she is in. I need her and the boys need her, please restore her for us. We need her. Please. I will never deny you, please just restore her.

Amen.

Dear God…

Please take care of my wife. She is with you now and I am left here to raise these boys which I know you will help me do. Give me the strength I need. I will never deny you, I love you and I thank you for giving me the love of my life for 13 years. She and the boys are the greatest gifts you have ever given me. I will raise the boys to love you too and make sure they do not grow heavy hearts. You are the only way of life and I know that. Thank you for her, thank you for giving her eternal life, and thank you for restoring her health.

Amen.