What if

I told you God wants us to be happy?

I told you God wants us to trust him?

I told you God wants us to seek him?

I told you God can move mountains?

I told you God knows not “human time”, but “God’s time”?

I told you God hears your prayers?

I told you God has answered your prayers?

I told you I was hurting so bad on December 8th that I could hardly breath, so I left the house to go for a walk, climbed to the top of a rock, watched the sunset, prayed and the only word that could come out of my mouth was “more.” I prayed to God, “I need more, I don’t know what that is, but you do, I am ready for it, so please give it to me.”?

I told you I got this message that night?

“Hi Gabe,
My name is ___ and I was in the pledge class above Lindsay and I’ve been just devastated about her passing. I’ve always had trouble understanding the “why” and “how” when someone is taken so young. I’ve kept up with your blog and it’s truly been so inspiring to me. It’s actually strengthened my faith and encouraged me to live each day to the fullest.

Since Lindsay’s passing I pray for Lindsay, you, and your family every night. Less than a month ago, an aqaintance from high school named ___ here in ___ (where I live) lost her husband in a car accident. I found myself lying in bed one night praying for both of you and couldn’t help but notice the similarities in your situations. During that prayer I felt compelled to pass on your blog to ___. I don’t normally message people at random, so it felt awkward, but nonetheless I felt through my prayer that I should pass it on in hopes she would be comforted by your faith and knowing someone else was going through the same thing. So…I sent her your blog. Surprisingly, she responded immediately (taken back by the similarity) and thanked me for passing it on. She actually asked for your contact information, so I just sent her your name on FB and your blog address. I wanted to let you know and give you her contact info on FB. Her name is ___ from ___.

All that said, I wanted you to know that your writing is a true testament of your faith and I can clearly see God working through you. It is also helping others keep hope and faith in difficult times. 

I will continue to keep you and your sweet family in my prayers.”

I told you just a little bit later that night I received this message?

“Hi Gabe!

___ gave me your name and told me a little about your story. 

Gabe, I am just so sorry! My heart aches for you! From reading your blog and your fb wall, I am already in love with your sweet Lindsay! She is absolutely beautiful and I’m sure the most amazing wife/mom you could have ever dreamed of! I would have loved to have had the chance to meet her! She (you) has inspired me so much already! I can’t even imagine how she must have been in person! I look forward to meeting her someday! 

You both have touched so many people. I can see you have a very large support system as well, but there is just something about talking with someone who is actually living it. Right?

My husband, 18 month old daughter and I were in a car accident on 11/13. (two days after your anniversary) The other vehicle failed to stop at a stop sign and ___ was thrown from our car. I thought he was dead immediately but actually passed away a few hours later at a local hospital. Those images will last forever. (As I’m sure you can remember the most intimate detail of your last day together!) I would love to swap stories about our amazing spouses and our one-of-a-kind marriages! 

Can you be that person for me? Do you already have your “go-to person?” I would like to go through this grieving process with someone, and the obvious choice for me is YOU!  If you are up for it? I have learned a lot about this process and one of them being- everyone grieves differently! So if you don’t feel comfortable about this, I totally support and will understand completely! I just felt compelled to ask. 

God has given me so much peace! You will now be part of my daily prayers and I won’t stop praying for you and those sweet baby boys of yours! I pray he will give you peace and comfort everyday! We can only take this one day at a time!

I would love to stay in contact through texts and/or calls. Face-to-face at some point would even be better! 

Looking forward to hearing from you!”

I told you she lost her high school sweetheart my first day of my “healing” trip that I spent 8 days on?

I told you the week of “healing” for me was the single worst week of this person’s life?

I told you we began communicating and found comfort in each other’s pain?

I told you we could relate on every level from when and how we met our spouse to the faith we have in the Lord to the love we have experienced and lost?

I told you the first week she was thrown into my life, I smiled the first “real” smile since Lindsay had passed away?

I told you we met at the airport and I had more spiritual happenings in 12 hours than I have had in my entire life?

I told you God broke me that week and humbled me to the point of physical pain?

I told you HE lit my Spirit on fire and has restored me?

I told you we have talked every day since December 10th?

I told you we are in love?

I told you we will grieve our first love and continue to love them for the rest of our lives?

I told you we pray every day that we are following God?

I told you we stay conscious of keeping God at the center of our relationship?

I told you she is 28 years old?

I told you her name is Lindsey?

I told you we are not in control?

I told you I live this life for God?

 

Would you believe me?

Gabe

You Never Did

Get to tell me you were pregnant…

I remember it so well with Brody…

You took the test and went downstairs to get something to eat. I had to get up to get ready for my trip to Atlanta. While you were downstairs I took a peak at the test and I saw two lines. I was pretty sure it was positive, so I ran to the stairwell and said “What does two lines mean?” You said “Shut up!” I said “Look” and that was it. We were going to welcome our first little blessing from God into this world. We hugged and I think I told you “Everything is going to be great.”

Nine months later we welcomed sweet baby Brody!

I remember it so well with Cash…

You took the test and went to the kitchen to get something to eat. I got excited and jumped out of bed. I looked at the test and again, two lines. I met you half way between the bedroom and the kitchen. Again, you said “Shut up.” We were again so excited. I think I told you “Everything is going to be great.”

I remember it so well…

You were sick and we thought it was mono. We went through the weekend thinking it was suppose to get worse before it got better, because that is what the doctor said. Monday you stayed in bed all day. Tuesday you were in bed when I left for work and I decided to come home just before lunch to check on you. You were so sick, I called the doctor and asked if we should go to the hospital. They said yes, go. So we did.

I picked you up out of bed and carried you out of the house and into the car. We arrive at the hospital and they want to do X-rays. They come in just before you get your X-ray and ask “Do we need to do a pregnancy test?” We looked at each other and at the same time give two different answers. I said “Yes” as you said “No.” Of course we did, what would it hurt?

The X-ray comes back showing double pneumonia. The hospital was a surgical hospital, so they decide to transfer you to a hospital with an ICU. We decide on one not far from the house. You are loaded up in the ambulance for the transfer and I follow you over to the new hospital that will admit you. I watched through the doors as your legs were shaking. I kept trying to tell you to calm down and asked if you were ok. Finally they open the doors and it turns out you just needed to pee. That is just like you and we both had a good laugh.

You get all set up in the isolation room due to your MRSA. They had to take precautions until they could tell it was not active. At that point the nurse told me it would be a good time to go get a bag from home since you were being admitted.

I left the hospital for a little less than an hour to get yours and my things. When I returned the doctor met me at the door and asked me to come look at your X-ray. As we are standing there he informs me you have double pneumonia and you are very sick. All I could think is I was thankful we were now in the hospital so you could get better now. Then the words came out of his mouth…

“We also got the results from the pregnancy test. It came back positive. Your wife is pregnant.”

I walked back to the isolation room to find you on oxygen and everything is now becoming very real. You are sick and I jokingly say “You’re pregnant? This is just like you.” You sort of chuckle underneath the breathing treatment.

At this point, I knew miracle(s) would have to occur in order for everything to be ok. At the same time, I just knew it would all work out. You would get well and we would leave the hospital excited about welcoming our newest little blessing from God. I think I told you “Everything is going to be great.”

After a few days in the hospital they came in to take a sonogram. You were so early on they didn’t see anything. I knew you couldn’t be more than a few weeks pregnant and so they decided to do a numbers test. Your HCG levels came in right around 50. They would do the test a couple days later looking for that number to double.

A couple days later they did another blood test. This time it had gone up to 78, which means it had not doubled, but the stress your body was under it didn’t surprise the doctor.

A couple days later they did another blood test. This time it had gone down to the 40’s. That meant it was not going to be a normal pregnancy and you would just miscarry. At that point, they started treating you like a non-pregnant patient.

A few days later I got this funny feeling. I started to think about the miracle that could happen here. I fully believed you would come home with me, but I also fully believed you would be pregnant and the doctors would be wrong. That would be a miracle that only God could perform.

Friday, the 23rd came around and they said you had an infection attacking the lungs still. They wanted to check to see if maybe you had a tubular pregnancy. I asked why you had not miscarried yet and they said well…

The HCG number had actually gone up. It was over 160!

You were still pregnant. It was a normal pregnancy! I immediately broke down and told the doctor I knew this was going to happen. I told her about the thoughts I had a few days before. I told her I could have told her that you were still pregnant. I could not believe it. The miracle could still happen!

Then…

Just a few hours later, I got the call…

Lindsay, you left this world just exactly perfect and complete. How could you, Lindsay, be complete without being pregnant. The boys could not join you in the hospital, so God made sure you had a baby with you when you left this world.

He made sure you were the “complete” Lindsay.

Everything is great.

Gabe

The Journey

To believers in Jesus Christ…

There will be a day I see you all. Many of you write and say you don’t know me or have never met me or Lindsay. I realize the likelihood of that happening here is slim, but I do know where I will see you one day and I hope you look for me.

So, if we all end up in the same place, what does that mean for us now?

Any war won has not been done without a battle.

Any house built has not been done without a blueprint.

Any marathon completed has not been done without the first 25 miles.

Any painting completed has not been done without a few strokes.

All of these things end with the same result. All of the completions can be beautiful. All them can be achieved by anyone.

What if the important part was not where you are going and what the completion is, but it’s HOW you get to that completion?

Heaven will be beautiful, I have no doubt in that. That is fact.

But to me what can be beautiful and a piece of this eternal life I don’t want to miss is the beauty of HOW I get there.

Gabe

“I Feel Bad”

Lindsay and her heart…

The second most used phrase by Lindsay, which was only second to “Gabe stop” was “I feel bad.” She never wanted to upset anyone.

She didn’t have it in her to be the bearer of bad news. She would say “I feel bad.”

She never wanted to be the one to say no to an invite. She would say “I feel bad.”

She never said no to something asked of her. She would say “I feel bad.”

I heard this all the time and it made me appreciate her so much. She had the sweetest little heart. I would have to be the one to coach her through these situations that you all have experienced.

It affected her, she would always try to make things right, so no one was upset or hurt.

Well she finally met her match.

She didn’t ask for this, no one did. She didn’t want to go yet, even with paradise waiting for her.

I can promise you she was not thinking about herself when she was stuck in that body, not being able to react.

She was thinking about how bad she felt that people were worried about her. She was thinking about the Thank You notes she was going to pick out and write when she got out of the hospital. She was screaming inside, saying please don’t worry about me. I am fine, I am ok.

When the Lord took her and she felt no more pain, it was the first time she let go. That is what I am thankful for.

It was the first time, she didn’t feel bad.

She couldn’t, she was in paradise with our Lord. I hope he told her exactly what I would tell her. Lindsay, don’t feel bad. They will be taken care of. Yes they will feel pain, they will hurt, but I will take care of them. They will have peace. Enjoy yours. You are my child and I love you just I love them. How do you feel?

“I feel perfect, I feel complete.”

“Promise me you will take care of my family. Promise me you will take care of my friends.”

“Gabe loves you. He talks about you all the time. He knows you are good. He always told me you would be there to take care of us.” “I never understood it, but I trusted him and I trusted that he trusted you.”

“Promise you will take care of my boys.”

“Sweet baby Cash and Brody.”

“I trust you.”

Lindsay,

Don’t feel bad. We do hurt, we are sad. We think about you all the time. Everyone has their own memories, their own pain, their own stories.

Stay close. I miss you. I love you. I think about you all the time.

Everyone misses you and that will not go away. You were so amazing. You lived the way you thought was the right way and you never compromised. I looked up to you. I know you relied on me, but I secretly looked up to you. You made me a better man. You showed me the way without even saying anything.

Smile all the time… because of you, so many people are living the life you would want for them. The one that you lived so effortlessly. You were incredible.

When I prayed that if we had to go through hardships to become closer to God, I never imagined this. BUT, Lindsay I feel closer to not only God, but closer to Heaven and I know you have something to do with that. As great as you were down here, I know you are even greater up there. I still have pieces of you here that I hold on to. I have the boys. They are as beautiful as you.

Four months have come and gone. It feels like years and you probably have an explanation for that, but I will wait my turn.

For now, don’t feel bad. Enjoy yourself. Enjoy your paradise. It will be like a flash for you when I see you again. I will be good. Your friends will be good. Don’t worry even if you could.

You better not for two seconds think… “I feel bad.”

Gabe

Playing the Role Pt. 2

“Mommy, Mommy, Mommy”

“Yes, baby”

“Um…”

“Maaaaawwwwwwwmmmmmmmyyyyyy”

“Come here honey, what’s wrong?”

“Mommy, hold me”

“Mommy, I don’t feel good”

“Come here baby, Mommy’s got you”

Lindsay was so great at this. I was her support with this. They never wanted daddy in all of this. Mommy is the “rescue”, Daddy is the “rescue” support.

I will do my best little guys. Bare with me, I’m trying. I love you too. Mommy was good, there is no denying that. I can’t replace that, but I can hold you, kiss your booboo better, give you your medicine and I promise to make sure you get better.

I watched your Mommy, studying her every move. I had a good teacher.

"I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, As long as I'm living my baby you'll be."

Gabe

Love

1 Corinthians 16:14

“Do everything in love.”

I am here to tell you love does not end. Just like God’s love for us never ends, we too can love forever. Love is an unlimited gift. A gift you receive and a gift given. Everything we do should be out of love.

There is no doubt that when Lindsay was here on Earth I loved her. There is no doubt that I still love her just as much as I did when she was here. There is no doubt that 50 years from now, I will still love her just as much as I do now.

Since love is unlimited and a gift, I choose to accept and use that gift. I will love you, I will love her, I will love HIM. God wants us to love each other, so do just that. He doesn’t say we only get one shot. Paul says, “If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.”

Just know that anything I say or do that is good, is love. Period.

It is because I love my life, I love my God, and I love you.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It alway protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

I will protect, I will trust, I will hope, I will persevere.

Will you?

Gabe

With Me

Lindsay,

Just a week after you left, Cash took his first “real” steps.

Just a month after you left, we celebrated Cash’s first birthday.

Just two months after you left, we celebrated Thanksgiving.

Just three months after you left, we celebrated Christmas.

Everyday I wake up in our house filled with memories of you. I get in the car filled with memories of you. I back out of the driveway filled with memories of you. I drive the streets filled with memories of you. I drop the kids at the daycare filled with memories of you. I walk into the office filled with memories of you. I eat at the restaurants filled with memories of you. I return to the home filled with memories of you and as I tuck the boys in at night and crawl into bed, I do it alone. I do it alone again and again and again.

Well one day the boys will walk into school for the first time.

They will pull out of the driveway.

They will walk across the stage with diploma in hand.

They will walk out of their home for the last time and for the rest of their lives.

They will wait at the end of the aisle for their bride.

They will bring home their babies.

Through all of this… you’re coming with me.

Gabe

Past, Present, and Future

I met my wife in 1998 with the hope of a future. It was like we could see everything ahead of us. What we saw was all the good things…

A love.

A wedding.

A child.

A home.

A life together.

We were not looking at…

The heartache.

The troubles.

The bend but don’t break moments.

Never did we imagine this is how our future would look.

In the past, we lived and appreciated the present, and looked to the future with hopeful eyes and hopeful hearts.

Now that “we” is “I”.

Yesterday is my past.

Today is my present.

Tomorrow is my future.

I don’t know when or where the heartache will come.

I don’t know when or where the troubles will come.

I don’t know where the bend but don’t break moments will come.

One thing I do know is…

I still look at that future with hopeful eyes and a hopeful heart.

Gabe

What To Do

Curl up in a ball?

Hide under a rock?

Stay in bed?

Cry all day?

Be sad all the time?

Waste this day?

Waste tomorrow?

No, I refuse.

I will grow.

I will strengthen.

I will fight.

I will love.

I will learn.

I will teach.

I will be me.

I will be the man HE wants me to be.

I will walk to the gates with my head held high…

with a joyful heart…

and with a smile on my face.

Not because I knew no pain, but because I did.

Gabe

Not For Me

Lindsay’s passing has forced me and lot of people around me to look at their lives…

How they live

How they love

Who they love

What they say

What they do

What really matters

And the big WHY?

Why are we here, why do we do the things we do, why do we live the lives we do?

For me the biggest question that has been answered for me is the WHO…

Who do we live this life for…

Is it for me?

Is it for you?

Is it for him?

Is it for her?

I have had faith all my life, this is not a new thing. I didn’t go searching for this faith when Lindsay passed.

The first thing I said out loud when Lindsay took her last breath here on Earth was “I will never deny you.”

It was then I knew whole heartedly WHO I live this life for.

I live it for my God, your God, his God, her God.

My first thought when my wife, best friend, my everything was gone was “I will never deny YOU GOD.”

I know you are good. I know you are powerful. I know you love me and I will NEVER deny you.

I wish I could pick and choose what happens in this life… as I have mentioned before we all want that “perfect” life. Perfect health, perfect timing, perfect circumstances so that every decision is easy.

The hard truth is this life what we feel is perfect is not always the case.

“Wouldn’t it be nice?”

That’s a question I use to ask a lot. This is one I would love to be able to ask now, but it just doesn’t work. When you go down that road you just get set up for disappointment.

So then what do you do?

You ask God for guidance. Sometimes that guidance can be hard. How do you know where the “answers” are coming from?

Mom use to tell me “if it feels wrong, it is wrong.”

The devil can be deceiving, so can’t he make it seem like it is right, when it is wrong?

I stick my face in the Bible, I pray, I ask God for the answers. I ask him to keep demons and all that is evil far away. I ask for clarity, wisdom, and understanding.

Still how do you know who is making you feel the way you are?

For me there is one thing that has remained constant for me…

Peace.

I don’t feel that the devil has it in him to provide peace.

That is God’s weapon. That is how I know.

So as I continue this journey of life, I will live it for God and I will get my answers in the peace that I feel.

That does not mean things will always be easy… what may be hard at first with just getting a glimpse of light… in the end if you live this life for God and find your peace… it can only be good.

Gabe

You Tell Me…

What’s your story?

Gabe

thanksGIVING (HOPE)

Several weeks ago I had the fortunate encounter with someone that God put in “my” life for a reason (read here). That someone is ‘Jason’.

A simple introduction of himself to me, led to a simple introduction of him to the staff at Church, led to HOPE.

I have been in touch with Jason here and there while he has continued his walk to a new life with Christ.

Jason has a job.

Jason has a home.

Jason has food.

Jason has heat.

Jason has a church.

Jason has a belief.

Jason has HOPE.

His prayer has gone from “God please give me warmth” to “God thank you for warmth” to “God continue to reveal yourself to me”.

Merry Christmas.

Gabe

Heart & Soul

To Brody & Cash,

One day you will ask me…

“What was mommy like?”

This is what I will tell you…

“Mommy was beautiful.”

You will say…

“Beautiful?”

I will say…

“Yes, beautiful.”

You will say…

“I know we’ve seen the pictures.”

I will say…

“I’m not talking about the pictures.”

You will say…

“Then what are you talking about Daddy?”

I will say…

“Boys, your mommy is beautiful in pictures, but I am talking about her heart and soul. You see, the Bible speaks of Abraham’s wife, Sarah, as a quiet and gentle soul and in God’s eyes that is of great worth. Of great worth. Does it say Sarah was beautiful any where? No. It says she was a quiet and gentle soul. That was mommy. That is beauty boys. When I met mommy we were kids, not too much older than you. Lets look at those pictures. Now lets look at the ones of her and you guys. See the difference? That is because looks change. For her, she just got more and more beautiful, but we both knew that would fade. Look at me, see the gray hair? Well your mommy use to tease me when I first started getting a few after you came along. Don’t worry its not your fault though. Mommy and I use to talk about how our looks would change one day and we would still love each though. We loved each other with our heart and souls and it was those two things that we loved. So, we loved them, with them. We loved the two things that will never fade. Not only do they never fade, but if you live your life right and for the one God that created me and your mommy and your brother and you, then instead of fading, they will become stronger and even more beautiful than they are now. So, when I tell you, your mommy is beautiful, what do you see?”

And you will say…

“Her heart and her soul.”

And I will say…

“Now let me tell you just how beautiful they are…”

Gabe

Made For You

Life is funny, life is sad, life is hard, life is blessed, life is hurt, life is pain, life is joy, life is beautiful, life is love.

All of these are true, yet so contradicting.

I have felt all of this on all levels in my life.

I have experienced all of these versions of life and will experience more while I continue on this journey.

I wouldn’t change anything about my life because it is not my life, it is God’s.

He gave me all of these versions of life.

When life is funny, it is love. When life is sad, it is love. When life is hard, it is love. When life is blessed, it is love. When life is hurt, it is love. When life is pain, it is love. When life is joy, it is love. When life is beautiful, it is love.

I live this life for him and I take any version of love he wants to give me.

Gabe

Waves

Every Day

I will wake up knowing you are not physically next to me.

I will go to bed knowing the next day will be the same as today.

I am one day closer to seeing you again.

Gabe

Wake Up

Gabe: “Ok, Brody its bedtime”.

Brody: “Ok, Daddy”.

Gabe: “Lets go”.

We begin our walk with our normal routine of stopping at the family picture hanging on the wall next to the hallway leading to Brody’s room. Brody kisses Mommy. I stay for a second longer…

Gabe: “Say I love you Mommy”.

Brody: “I love you Mommy”.

Gabe: “One more kiss”.

We finish our way to Brody’s bed. I tuck him in and lay down.

Brody likes to cuddle like most 2 year olds, so I abide. Thoughts of Lindsay enter my mind all the time and last night was no different.

Every once in a while Brody will twirl my hair or rub my back and it usually only lasts for a minute. Last night I was hoping he would twirl the back of my hair because while it is relaxing for him, it is probably even more relaxing to me.

I turned over and had my back to him and kept saying in my head “please Lindsay make him twirl my hair”. I kept hoping and repeating that, but after a couple minutes he turned over and was ready to shut his eyes to go to sleep.

Gabe: “Mommy loves you”.

Brody: “Yeah”.

Gabe: “Daddy loves you”.

Brody: “Yeah”.

Gabe: “God loves you”.

Brody: “Yeah”.

Gabe: “Sweet dreams”.

I returned to my empty living room lit by the glow of the Christmas Tree lights, fire, and TV.

I eventually found my way to bed.

This morning I was in a state of half asleep / half awake.

Brody usually crawls in bed with me sometime in the morning and this morning was no different.

I was laying on my side and all of the sudden I started to wake a little more.

Not saying anything, Brody was twirling the hair on the back of my head.

Of course he has no idea what is going on in my head.

I fully wake up, roll over and tell him to give me a hug. He still has not said a word when…

Gabe: “I love you”.

Brody: “Mommy’s in Heaven with God”.

GRACE

Gabe

Sharing

One of the first lessons we are taught as soon as we come in to this life is to share.

In the beginning it means you have to give your toy to someone else.

As you grow the meaning grows.

The next one is that of telling your parents how your day went.

Again, it continues to grow.

You reach the point where you tell someone where your from, what you do, who you are.

This is where it reaches a point of maturity.

The final step is spending all your new memory making days with someone who is close to you.

It can come in the form of a close family member, a close friend, or in my case Lindsay.

We shared our toys, we shared how our day went away from each other, we shared where we were from, what we do, and who we are, we shared all of our new memory making days together…

We shared our life together.

I have my memories, but its the making new ones that is hard.

Here is one of the memories I love…

The holiday’s were always a big deal in our house just like most… we decorated, we shopped, and we got our tree.

Every year Lindsay and I would get a real Christmas Tree.

Lindsay would have preferred a fake one out of convenience, but I always insisted on a real one. The smell alone is worth it and I didn’t mind cleaning up the mess.

I loved getting out in the cold and finding the “perfect” tree.

Lindsay hated the cold and I always picked the coldest day to do our tree shopping.

She would say, “Why do we have to go on the coldest day every year?”. I would say, “Because, it feels like the holidays.” She would put on a smile and enjoy it for me.

We would pick out our “perfect” tree, load it up, and take it home.

I would get it all set up at the house, then I would get the lights and ornaments down.

I would put on our Christmas playlist to get in the holiday mood.

Together we would string the lights and together we would hang the ornaments.

Last night something was missing…

I didn’t hear “Why do we have to go on the coldest day every year?” and I didn’t say “Because, it feels like the holidays.”

For the first time I didn’t get to share that new memory with Lindsay.

I did share it with Brody and Cash.

We got out in the cold and we picked out the “perfect” tree.

Cash played with the lights and I strung them on the tree.

Brody kissed each ornament as I took it out of the box and I hung them on the tree.

Sharing is a hard lesson, but not sharing is even harder.

Gabe

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Playing the Role

Family is something that we inherit. In most circumstances we don’t get to choose our family… whether it is a Dad, Mom, Brother, Sister, Son, or Daughter, we acquire this through God’s plan.

The relationships can vary and we all play our role in the family. Your role changes over the years and you can even acquire a new role.

In the case of Lindsay, she played the Daughter and Sister role.

She was Sissy to Devon. Devon got to play the Big Sis role, showing Little Sissy the ropes.

She was Honey to Darcy. Darcy got to play the Mommy role and she played it well.

Just like any family, nothing is “perfect” as I have mentioned before, but these three beautiful women loved… period. Watching and listening to them playing their roles was like a symphony in perfect unity.

They had good times and hard times.

They had fun times and serious times.

The circle of how they played their roles was never-ending.

They acquired their new roles almost 3 years ago…

Lindsay was now Mommy.

Devon was now Aunt Dede.

Darcy was now Grandma.

One thing that didn’t change…

Lindsay was Sissy to Devon.

Lindsay was Honey to Darcy.

On my dear wife’s behalf…

She loved playing Sissy.

She loved playing Honey.

I love you Devon, I am proud to call you my Sis.

I love you Darcy, I am proud to call you Mom.

I love you Lindsay, I am thankful for you allowing me to acquire my role among you beautiful women.

Happy Birthday Sis.

Happy Birthday Mom.

Gabe

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

THANKSgiving

My Sundays consist of me waking up with the boys, drinking coffee, checking my very important fantasy football lineup and then getting me and the boys ready for church.

Today was no different, however I had a little welcomed help from a close friend I grew up with that had stayed with me over the holiday weekend.

I prayed this morning for peace, clarity, strength, wisdom, and enlightenment which has been pretty consistent over the last few weeks. I did this in the car on the way to church.

We pull in and as I get out of the car I see a man walking through the parking lot coming from the direction of I-75. He had on a tee shirt that read “I love Jesus” on the front pulled on over a hooded sweatshirt, and toted around a backpack. Not the “usual” character at the church I go to. And to be 100% honest I made an initial profile of this man, which stemmed from my neighbor getting their car stolen from their garage two days before. It is just where my head was at and I can tell you it is not right.

I get the boys out of the car and we take our “baby steps” to the door, which seems like a mile away especially in the winteresque cold that entered Dallas over the past 24 hours. Sorry, I put full blame on you Brody… but its not your fault, you have tiny legs. I love you.

I get the boys dropped off at their Sunday School rooms and proceed to the atrium where I wait on my friends, the Colberg’s to arrive. Something told me to sit on this particular bench, so I did just that.

After sitting for about 30 seconds, which consisted of me just fiddling with my phone I looked up and saw “I love Jesus” on a tee shirt worn by a man holding a coffee that looked like he needed/wanted to talk to someone. We made eye contact, he said “hello” and I followed with a “hello” and invited him to take a seat on the bench with me.

Man: Hi I’m Jason.

Gabe: Gabe

Jason: Nice to meet you.

Gabe: You as well. You doing ok?

Jason: Yeah, this is my first time to this church and I accepted Christ into my heart last night.

Well ok, this is going to go well…

Gabe: Really? That is awesome. How did you get there?

Jason: I was in the cold and I just prayed to God… “God if you are real, please give me warmth”. Almost instantly, I got so hot that I had to take my sweatshirt off and was down to my tee shirt and I said right then… “Ok God, no more games, I know you are real and I want you in my heart”.

Gabe: Wow, that is a miracle.

Jason: I have been reading the Bible, so I know enough to know who he is and what it means to give my life to him and I did that last night.

Gabe: That is really amazing, I am so happy you did that. You said you were in the cold, do you not have a place to stay?

Jason: Well, my dad past away a few weeks ago and I have been on my own since. He worked as a District Manager for Chili’s and was on a business trip in Shreveport and I got a call from a nurse asking if I was Jason ____. I told her yes and she replied that my dad was in a car accident and was in a coma. I began to freak out and become anxious. A few hours later the nurse calls back and tells me… “We don’t like to do this over the phone, but your father has passed away.”

Jason and I sat there outside the service for the next 20 minutes while we waited on the Colberg’s and he shared with me that he has no family, no friends, no home, no job, no support, except for a couple that had been bringing him a warm meal every Thursday in the park he was staying in and they would take him to church on Sundays. They did not show this Sunday, so he took the DART and saw this church, and decided to attend.

He shared scripture with me and I can tell you, God is working on this man. He is probably 30 years old and has no where to go with no real support.

I began to think of my situation, which I shared with him and we both felt we were brought together for a reason.

As I sat there looking at this man all I could think about was that I was sitting there talking to Jesus. I don’t know how to explain that thought, it is just how I felt.

We sat together in service, he was very emotional, he was happy, and after the service I introduced him to some of the staff of the church. They are going to take care of him, however I don’t know for how long. All he asked for was for prayers and a shower. He was not a needy person, he was just in need.

I do pray he finds the help he needs, he has an interview on Friday and a drug test tomorrow for a job at Target. I pray he got his shower today, he finds some peace, strength, and that he continues this path with Christ.

I wish I could bring him home and it is something that I have to deal with that I won’t. I can’t help but think I am keeping Jesus away from me and I have to rely on the church to provide something I will not. I will find ways to help him and I do plan to keep him close.

Jason, I am praying for you and I know anyone who reads this will not be able go on with their day without doing the same. You will find your way, I can feel it. You are in a dark, hard place, but just as you told me, you know it will be a long road, but you will make it and you have all the power of the spirit that brought Christ back to life. You are in good hands.

After hearing Jason’s story, I thought a lot about my support. When you gain perspective in real life of someone else’s situation, you can’t help but appreciate things a little more.

I have heat, I have warm showers, I have food… I have a home.

I have the most incredible support system from friends and family that is getting me through the most difficult time in my entire life. For that, this Thanksgiving in November of 2011 I am thankful.

I am also thankful that Jason and I share one thing in common. We both lean on the Lord who we know to be real. Whether we need a little strength to get through the day filled without the one person that I loved more than anything or he just needs a little heat, HE is there.

Gabe

My Boys...

Cash Watching Football

Brody & Teagan

The Storm

Last night I thought of you… like I always do.

I woke up to thunder and my thought immediately went to you… but why would that make me think of you?

I thought about how funny you were regarding the weather. You were like my little weather girl, you always knew the five day forecast. If this had been 3 months ago, I would have woken up to you sitting up in bed with nothing but the glow of your iPhone on your face checking the radar.

Instead, I woke up to a dark room and a feeling of being all alone.

I remember when you use to say, “what should we do?”, “where should we go?”, “I’m scared”, and you always were so worried about lightening hitting the fence or how you wouldn’t let me take showers when it was raining outside, and if it got really bad we would go into the closet.

So there we would be… sitting in the closet, you with your iPhone checking the radar to see when it would end and me with the flashlight in case the power went out.

We were there together… waiting out the storm.

Well, here we are in the middle of the worst storm imaginable… waiting it out.

Except, I can’t see you or take care of you…

I can’t check the radar to see when its going to end…

I can’t hide in the closet…

All I have is my flashlight.

I will hold on to it forever…

It gives me hope…

It gives me strength…

It gives me all I need while I wait out the storm.

Gabe

I Forgive You

As much as I would like everything to have been “good” between Lindsay and me, it wouldn’t be the truth and not ALL lessons would be told…

This is a story that haunts me, but also a story that teaches a beautiful lesson. I have always said it is my “one regret” in life and to be honest if it were not for Lindsay’s beautiful heart and God’s grace that may still hold true.

I was a Freshman in college, Lindsay was a Senior in high school. We had broken up just before the New Year the prior year due to my “senioritis” and wanting to explore myself and the world a little more without any “strings”. Fun fact… that also contributed to us being High School Sweethearts that never went to Prom together.

So here we are 325 miles from each other, as I am in Lubbock and she is still in Arlington.

I start suffering from an “illness” that comes from being far away from home and Lindsay is just enjoying the beginning of her Senior Year. Me being selfish, I decide to interrupt that senior year with a simple message over AOL Instant Messenger.

Note that this is September, so I couldn’t even make it out of the first month without having this aching in my stomach to be close to her again.

We begin to talk again and based on her diary, she was as confused but open to the idea of “us” again as I was. Of course she talked about interest in other guys, but she always ended with me. I consider myself lucky.

We begin with late night chats on IM, then phone calls, then one night there was a volleyball game in Abilene, so I drove the 2 hours to see her for a short couple of hours and made my way back to Lubbock. To her that was “so sweet.” Eventually I started driving the whole way back to Arlington on the weekend to see her.

This all leads to us making a commitment to each other in November. However, we both were about 60% committed at this point.

That 60% commitment would be short lived.

My roommate in the dorms was my best friend. We grew up together from the age of 5. He was a good guy, never hurt anyone, was always there when I needed him, he was just about as good of a friend as you could find. We were like family, which makes it even harder to tell this story.

He had a girlfriend from very early on that first semester in college and she became a friend to us both while living in such close quarters.

One night in early December, my roommate had gone to a day party and showed up hours later in our dorm being carried in by another friend of ours. He was done for the night, I on the other hand was invited by his friend to go to the party that was still going. I decided this was a good idea.

We show up to the party and did the usual college thing… drink, dance, drink, dance, etc.

Insert “roommate’s girlfriend”…

We begin to dance and have fun. Things escalate and in a night filled with things right out of Sodom and Gomorrah… We. Do. The. Unthinkable.

How could I you ask? And believe me, all the “wrongs” running through your head right now are the same thoughts I had for a very long time. It took me a while to figure it out since I was in a dark place, but through the grace of God, I came around.

Let’s start with the roommate/best friend/like a brother scenario first. The next day and admittedly not by my choice, the truth was told. I am lucky I am alive to tell this story. The sad thing was I wasn’t even ready to apologize, I was in a dark place. Yes I was sorry he was hurt, but I still was thinking of myself and how I was going to be with this girl because it was “right”. Now let me give you the word you are looking for… “WOW”.

After a couple months I realized my wrong(s) and apologized, but it was too late for him and I lost one of the best friends I ever had.

Now on to Lindsay, my best friend/girlfriend/romantic interest scenario. Being 325 miles from her and being 18, I did what any one would do right? Don’t tell. Well that lasted less than a week. She kept asking “What’s wrong?” How did she know? I told her…

I promise there is good that came of this, just hang in there… Let me pull you out of this darkness…

Second semester…

I was forced to make new friends, find another roommate because mine had moved out, soul search, and live with what I had done.

Roommate was gone forever, but Lindsay I couldn’t give up on.

It started with apologies through email exchanges, then IM again, then phone calls, then weekend visits.

Trust was something that was important for me and Lindsay from the very beginning of our relationship. It just had not been tested like this.

Notice the Date...

I knew I had to make things right with Lindsay. It was some time in late February/early March that we began to be on “speaking” terms. I knew I loved her, so I would pursue at all costs. This was not easy when 325 miles separate us.

There were going to be no commitments though until we felt we could honor those. I was way too weak to do so and she was having too much fun her last semester in high school.

In May of 2001, I returned home from school and we made our final commitment to each other and that still holds true today.

Lindsay forgave me. She did not have to, but she did. She had so much grace. She showed me what it meant to truly forgive. It isn’t just words. It is actions that show true forgiveness. She never once mentioned my wrong doing, not even in arguments. Even when I could not forgive myself, she could. She loved all of me, not just in the good times, but in the dark ones too.

No one is perfect. No one. We as brothers and sisters need to recognize that and show each other what it means to love. Love does not hold grudges.

God showed me the meaning of so many things through Lindsay. She was not just my wife, my best friend, and the mother of my children, she was my teacher.

Gabe

Perfectly Imperfect

As the sun rises, I see things for what they are.

I see the mountains, the ocean, the birds chirping beside me, the rocks, the trees… All of God’s creations.

They are all perfect.

I start thinking about how God created all of this in 5 days.

On the 6th day he created his one and only imperfect creation. Man.

But why make something imperfect when you are perfectly capable of making them flawless?

My next thoughts are BECAUSE we are imperfect, God has given us the gift of seeing his grace and a savior that leads to eternal salvation.

Though we are imperfect, he is not. He made us perfectly imperfect.

Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!
So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in my sinful nature a slave to the law of sin. (Romans 7:25 NIV)

Gabe

Choices

Who to love?

I, Gabe, take thee Lindsay, to be my wife, and before God and these witnesses I promise to be a faithful and true husband.

With this ring I thee wed. In sickness and in health, in poverty or in wealth, ’til death do us part…

We now know all these words in real life.

I loved you long before we said these words and I will love you long after.

I chose you and you chose me.

We did not have to follow God’s will, but we CHOSE too. That is where the blessings came in. We always followed him, we never denied him. He had a plan for us yes, but we also have free will to make choices. We chose his way.

We heard him, we listened to him and we are better for it. We have had a beautiful life together and that will continue because we choose him.

I will love you forever.

I will love him forever.

Thank you for choosing me.

Gabe

Love Notes

I came across a note last night that I had written Lindsay about 12 years ago when we were in High School. There is one sentence that has stuck with me since reading it…

“God is my path, and you are my strength.”

I couldn’t have been farther from the truth or could I?

1 Corinthians 13:2-3

If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

1 John 4:11-12

Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

Reflecting on mine and Lindsay’s love story I see God in all of it. At the most simple level, he is there. At the most complex level he is there.

I use to say… “why are you so adorable?” and she would reply with “that’s the way God made me” and have the sweetest little smile on her face. She was adorable, she was an angel on Earth. But, I see something else when I see her. I see God and how beautiful HE is.

When I told her “God is my path and you are my strength”, I was really saying… “God is my path and HE is my strength”.

I like to think that every time Lindsay and I showed our love for each other we were showing God how much we love him. His gift to us is that we got to enjoy that love with the other. We are not deserving, but I am thankful.

Gabe

10 Strong Years

INT. GABE’S CAR – EARLY EVENING

GABE is driving home from work and picks up his phone to call VEGA. Vega answers.

GABE

Vega… hey man, what’s up?

VEGA

What’s up bro? Just chillin…

…Looking to get inspired. I feel like I want to record again.

GABE

Wow, well I guess I called at the right time then…

VEGA

Oh yeah…

GABE

Too weird…

             I was calling because I need a favor. Mine and Lindsay’s 10th anniversary of dating and 3rd wedding anniversary is coming up and I want to do something special…

VEGA

Wow, yeah man what can I do?

GABE

I want to write a song and you record it…

VEGA

Lets do it…

GABE

…Cool, how do we start?

How about I just give you a run down of important pieces in our relationship and you do your magic…

VEGA

Sounds good…

GABE

…You ready?

VEGA

Shoot…

GABE

As you know we are “high school sweethearts”…

The first time I saw her, she was wearing a grey dress…

Our “official date” of our relationship is eleven, eleven, nineteen ninety-eight…

We got married on our seven year anniversary…

People always tell her she looks like Reese Witherspoon…

…You getting this?

VEGA

Yeah man, keep going…

GABE

Alright… she is pregnant which she calls him “love nugget” right now…

We love to travel and as you know particularly to LA…

We are both Gemini’s…

Our song is Shawn Mullins’ “Rockabye” which doesn’t really make a lot of sense, but it is…

VEGA

Ha ha…

GABE

You know she is beautiful…

…I know we will be together for the rest of our lives, so this is just the beginning…

We have no idea what God has in store for us, but we will be there together…

…Is that enough?

VEGA

You tell me man…

I think this is good…

GABE

…And you know us, so feel free to expand.

VEGA

…Cool.

GABE

So how does this work?

Are you just going to get some stuff down and then we can talk?

VEGA

…Absolutely

I am feeling it, so let me get to it and we can chat after…

GABE

That works dude…

Thanks man, I really appreciate it…

VEGA

No problem, this will be fun…

GABE

Alright dude, I will let you get to it…

VEGA

Later…

GABE

Later.

NOVEMBER 11TH, 2008

INT. GABE & LINDSAY’S CAR – EVENING

Gabe and LINDSAY are their way to dinner to celebrate their anniversary.

GABE

I’m excited about Del Frisco’s…

LINDSAY

Me too…

GABE

I bet you are, baby Brody is going to get his first taste of good steak…

As Lindsay is putting on her make-up, Gabe puts in a CD.

GABE

Listen closely, this is your anniversary card…

LINDSAY

What do you mean?

GABE

Just listen, it will make sense in about 3 minutes…

The music is playing and Lindsay listens closely as Gabe watches her the best he can while driving.

LINDSAY

I am so confused…

Gabe smiles.

Lindsay’s eyes begin to tear up as she continues to listen to music playing.

LINDSAY

What is this?

GABE

I thought this was a good way for me to tell you how I love you.

Lindsay begins to wipe away her emotional and heartfelt tears.

LINDSAY

Who is this singing?

GABE

I called in a favor to Vega…

LINDSAY

Oh my gosh…

GABE

Do you like it?

LINDSAY

I love it…

GABE

I love you…

Lindsay leans over from her seat and kisses Gabe’s cheek.

LINDSAY

I love you too…

You’re the best.

“10 Strong Years“

Lindsay’s Perspective

For The Rest of My Life

Gabe was in his last year of college, his last few weeks to be exact. Lindsay was a little less than a year away from walking the same stage. They worked together, they played together, they loved together. Gabe made a decision that would change the rest of his life, but for the first time he would change the rest of someone else’s.

Gabe was managing in a retail store that he and Lindsay worked at and was saving his money to make his biggest and most meaningful purchase to date. The two had been a couple for about 6 years. The two talked about their lives together and how they would be spent together.

Several months prior on Christmas break Gabe and Lindsay walked into a jewelry store, walked to the engagement ring counters and asked to see only one. It was perfect. Lindsay knew right then it was the ring she would wear on her precious little finger. There was no reason to look anymore, it was the one.

Gabe decided it was time to purchase that ring and with the money he had been saving, he did just that. It wasn’t just about the ring though, Gabe knew he would spend the rest of his life with that little girl. He began to put the wheels in motion.

In early September 2004 he decided to plan a trip to New York City in December. It was there he would ask the question that so many had before him, but this time it would be him and her.

As they boarded the plane in a rush while running behind, they were on their way to New York for what Lindsay thought was a “Graduation Trip” for Gabe. As Gabe sat with so much anxious anticipation about the plans he had for the two, Lindsay was just enjoying the idea of going on a trip to the “big city”.

Two Kids

The two arrive in the city, find their way to the hotel by a cab and the wheels were in full motion. Just hours away from the question that would lead to the decision that would change the rest of their two lives.

After a day of walking, cab rides and photo taking, the two headed back to the hotel to get ready for a date in the big city. The plan was to see the Christmas Tree in Rockefeller Center and then find their way to dinner. As they dressed, Lindsay was getting herself ready in the bathroom while Gabe was transferring the symbol of his love for her into his upper left coat pocket.

As the two left the hotel, they walked in the city bearing the cold of the winter breeze. They were on their way to the spot.

As they approached Rockefeller Center, Gabe began to get more and more anxious, while Lindsay just got to enjoy the excitement of the holiday filled city. Gabe becomes quiet and has the look of a man on a mission. He sees the tree, people, and then the spot.

Gabe says “come over here, this is a good spot”. Lindsay follows. As he has his arms around her from behind, he begins to whisper in her ear. “You know I love you. We have been together since we were kids. We are still kids. You make me so happy and you know I want to spend the rest of my life with you. So I have to ask you a question.”

Gabe turns her around, gets on one knee, Lindsay says “shut up”. He pulls out the box that holds the symbol of his love for her, Lindsay says “shut up”. He opens the box, and for the last time, Lindsay says “shut up”. Gabe says “Will you marry me?”.

Lindsay’s eyes begin to tear up and she says with a heartfelt tone, “yes”. The two hug, kiss and stare at each other.

In a town of over eight million people, at that moment two of them made a decision in the presence of God that they would spend the rest of their lives together.

"Yes"

The Next Day

I love you Lindsay. 13 years ago this month we made a decision that would change the rest of our lives. That cold winter day in the big city, we merely continued that journey together, yet another step in God’s beautiful plan for our lives. I will always love you with every ounce of my heart. That heart breaks today because I know we are not connected in the way we have known for those years. I am also thankful that God has proven through his grace that you and I are indeed still continuing our journey that began with a decision in his presence.

Thank you God, thank you for an amazing love, thank you for holding me, thank you for holding my children, thank you for holding that little girl you gave me for a while.

Gabe

“Book Ends”

I feel like our “Earthly Life” is about the tangibles that God gives us. Those “tangibles” can be anything from souvenirs, to pictures, to videos, to the “stuff” that we buy and surround ourselves with. Lindsay and I were really never ones to purchase or keep souvenirs, but pictures and videos were our thing and I am so thankful for that now.

We were always about the memories, I even have a “thing” about being behind the camera when recording memories. I almost feel like some of those memories were meant to remain just as that… a memory without being captured. When you remember something because of the way it smelled or made you feel, that to me is something worth remembering. Now time to eat my words…

Since Lindsay’s passing I have found myself trying to grasp on to the past, to our past. I have gone through boxes of photos, notes, yearbooks, and all the “things” we collected throughout our love story. Two days ago I stumbled across something that brought me to my knees. It gave me a perspective that I feel you only reach when your greatest tangible, a loved one, becomes a memory and no longer a tangible. That something was a dinner receipt, a napkin, and a movie ticket stub.

When a love story begins, it always starts with two souls spending time together and cherishing those moments when it is just the two of you. Typically you go on your dates, spend time at each other’s house getting to know one another, and things are relatively simple. As the relationship goes on, “life” happens, you have school, you have work, you have family, you eventually get married, move in together, and you truly share a life together. While this goes on you are there together, your close, but things begin to change. Its not a bad change because I think that is where intimacy comes in and where truly sharing yourself with someone steps in, its just change.

The part of the love story between two souls that seems to always cause the most change is when those two souls become three, four, and so on. Kids. Kids are the greatest blessing to a love story because those two souls have created something WITH God. It is their first and greatest tangible created by the two.

Kids also leave that memory of a love shared between two in the past. The love story is no longer about dates, experiences shared between the two souls, or anything you knew up to that point. You now share your life, soul, your everything with your creation.

Prior to mine and Lindsay’s love story becoming a memory, I told her she will always come first. No matter what, I will love the kids, but she is their mother, my wife, and my best friend. She comes first (God), second. I felt like I kept my promise, but then again… life happens. You find a love like you have never felt for your children. My love for Lindsay even changed. She was now the mother of our children.

Our dates fell few and far between, traveling ended, our quiet moments just the two of us faded. We kept saying “lets go on a date”, but then life happened. Two, maybe three dates a year. I appreciate every moment spending time with Lindsay and the kids, every moment watching her be swarmed by Brody, Cash, and Rocky, every moment playing outside or taking walks with the stroller or wagon. I realize there are different chapters to a love story, but I miss the just the two of us and who says that can’t happen?

I made a promise to put her first, so where were the dates?

Lindsay and I went on our first date as a couple in the fall of 1998 to Tony Roma’s. That is a memory.

Fall (1998)

She kept this in the "Gabe Box" (1998)

Lindsay and I went on our last date as a couple in the summer of 2011 to Taco Diner, followed by a movie. That is now a memory.

Taco Diner (August 19th, 2011)

"The Napkin" Taco Diner (August 19th, 2011)

The Movie (August 19th, 2011)

Dates are not overrated. They give you that memory. They give you that time together that you found special when you began your love story. They give two souls time to enjoy each other.

I will never forget the rainy night at Tony Roma’s and I will never ever forget the first night away from both boys to allow our souls to be just the two while Lindsay took notes on a napkin over something she asked my opinion on, followed by that movie. Never did I imagine that night away from the boys would be the last time for those two souls.

Don’t put up those bookends until you’ve filled the shelf with books.

Gabe

Sweet Baby Cash

When Lindsay and I first started planning our life together as if we were the ones calling the shots, we I decided we were going to have a big family. I wanted to have at least 3 kids and maybe even 4. I always thought we would grow old together with a lot of grandchildren that would come and visit… A very simple concept when you think you are in control.

Drawn by Gabe in 1999, Note "In 50 Years" by Lindsay

All the ground work was laid out, we fell in love, we graduated high school, we graduated college, we got married, we found our first home and in July of 2008 we found out we were having our first child. Brody Journey Lewis entered this world on March 16th, 2009 and we were on our way to our “perfect life.”

Mommy and Brody

8 months and a new home later we found out Lindsay was pregnant with our second child. Once again we were on our way to our “perfect life.” But wait, what is this? How can this be? This was not part of the dream… Lindsay miscarried in the first month of her pregnancy. We were upset, but we knew things would be OK and we would try again.

1 month later God showed us how powerful he is and Lindsay was pregnant with our 3rd child. We were pretty cautious with excitement and waited until seeing the doctor to tell anyone this time. After some anxious weeks we went to the doctor and everything looked great. Our little one was growing on schedule and now we started to get excited about the sex of the baby. In my “perfect life” it would be a boy and Lindsay was just excited about a healthy baby.

At about 18 weeks on Lindsay’s birthday we went to the doctor and as a gift from the doctor, she did a sonogram to find out the sex of the baby. It’s a boy! We were both very excited and it was a great birthday gift to find out about our new blessing.

Months later on Monday, October 25th, 2010 Lindsay woke up with pain in her abdomen. She fought the pain for a while and it seemed to come and go, but painful nonetheless.

Lindsay would tell you herself that she had “easy breezy” pregnancies. She was blessed that way. Whether it was just her tolerating more than most or she was just given the gift of less complications, she had good pregnancies. She was great at it. I felt like she was brilliant at being pregnant if that is politically correct. She was beautiful, she was gracious, she was excitable, she was just great.

On that Monday she kept trying to get in touch with the doctor while she was having these pains, but in true Lindsay form, she still went to work and had little complaints. I was working from home, so I was here if needed. She called me from work and asked if we could run to get a few things for the baby to come. “Of course” I said yes and we went to Babies R Us. She was still having pains, but we still had not heard from the doctor. Late afternoon we finally heard from the doctor office and she was given two options. 1) Go home, rest and begin counting between the pains or 2) Go to the hospital and get checked out. We chose option #1.

We get home and her pains contractions began getting closer and closer. We went from 12 minutes, to 7 minutes, to 5 minutes and by the time we got in the car and we were on our way, she was at 2-3 minutes. Not a whole lot of time, so my idea of stopping at Chick-fil-A on the way so I could get something in my stomach was out of the question. We head straight to the hospital.

This child was due November 5th and due to the fact that Brody Journey Lewis was born nearly 2 weeks late, we were not 100% prepared for the situation. Brody was a 15 hour labor project and so this was a new experience.

All I could think about was I really wanted a November baby in my “perfect life” and secretly wanted him to come on our anniversary 11/11. I have always had a thing about October which I think stems from Halloween, but again, this was my “perfect life”.

We get to the hospital, get checked in, Lindsay is checked out and she is having STRONG contractions about 2 minutes apart, so they admit her, give her the Epidural, some Pitocin to speed up the process and she is dilated to 3 cm. Wow, we are having a baby and I am still hungry! I start thinking about my “perfect life” and quickly realize that my November baby is now an October baby and the excitement sets in.

Lindsay is very close to her mom and wants her to be up to date on what is happening, however with the overzealousness of Brody’s 15 hour labor, I was hesitant to begin calling family. Well Lindsay overruled and Darcy (Mom) was notified and shortly on her way. This was between 6p and 7p.

We are in the hospital, family arrives, sister shows up with a healthy plate of food so I could eat, Lindsay is looking beautiful and doing great, out of pain and just glowing with the anticipation of the sweet little boy that would enter our “perfect life”.

The doctor came in around 10p to check in and said to get some sleep so we settled in for the long hall. Around 12a the nurse comes in to check Lindsay and… oops we are ready! 10 minutes of “practice pushing” and God presented Lindsay and I with our newest blessing. Cash Allen Lewis was born at 12:10a on October 26th, 2010. He was beautiful, weighing 7lbs, 7oz we were so excited to welcome him to our “perfect life”.

Mommy and Cash

We love you Cash. You are such a blessing to us and I thank God you are in our lives. Mommy loves you so much. She told me all the time that she felt so blessed to have two amazing little boys. You truly are a blessing to a “perfect life”. I hope you see the life God gave you as a blessing as I do. I promise to do my best at raising you the way that would be pleasing in God’s eyes. You are such a special boy, as is your brother and I love more than anything to see the two of you at work. You are so much the same, yet so different. You have so much of your mother in you and I promise to explain in detail what that means one day. You are beautiful.

Fast forward just short of 11 months later and our “perfect life” is shattered. Cash’s mommy is gone. She lives with the Lord now. But wait, what is this? How can this be? This was not part of the dream.

The truth is, this is our “perfect life”. We don’t decide what is perfect because this life is eternal and God decides what is “perfect”. We see things with human eyes, but God wants us to see him in all his glory. I would not change a thing. I love my wife, I love my life. I love my children. I have so many blessings from God that it is truly beautiful. I have a love for my wife that is more beautiful than I could ever imagine. I have a love for two of the greatest blessings I have ever known in Brody Journey Lewis and Cash Allen Lewis. And my greatest blessing beyond KNOWING where my wife is now, I feel closer to God than I ever have and I know that will serve me well while raising my 7lb, 7oz Sweet Baby Cash.

To me… that is “Perfect”.

Mommy and Cash (July)

Gabe

Coming Home

I came home tonight and you were not here. I couldn’t see you, I couldn’t hug you, I couldn’t kiss you. Why is it that I know where you are, I know you are well, but I feel so much pain? You’ve been gone a month and the pain is so fresh. It hurts more today than ever. I feel more alone than ever. I think its starting to settle in that you are gone. It took me leaving our home and returning to realize that you left for good. I miss you. I love you. Every note you left behind, every memory you gave me is a reminder of a love lost.

God giveth and God taketh away.

I want to stay strong, I want to be the man I promised I would be, but it isn’t getting easier, its getting harder. God has given us so much, but without you here to share it with me, how can I enjoy it? I look at the boys and so much of you is in them. I look at Cash and I see your face, I play with Brody and I feel your heart. Still something is missing.

God giveth and God taketh away.

I am here and you are gone. I think about you every second, I miss you every second, I love you every second of every day. Is this pain going to continue to get worse? Will I heal as God has healed you? I want to see you again. I will keep my promises and I will make sure that day will come.

God giveth and God taketh away.

I love you, I miss you and I will see you again.

Gabe

One Month

(It’s a rainy night as GABE drives his red jeep to LINDSAY’S house to pick her up for a date celebrating their “1 Month Anniversary”)

INT CAR

Gabe: “Hey “Kidd” I’m on my way to pick you up, see you in a minute.”

INT LINDSAY’S HOUSE

Lindsay: “Ok, see you then.”

INT CAR

Gabe: “You ready?”

INT LINDSAY’S HOUSE

Lindsay: “Putting on my make up.”

INT CAR

Gabe: “Ok, see you in a minute.”

INT LINDSAY’S HOUSE

Lindsay: “Bye.”

EXT LINDSAY’S HOUSE

(Gabe pulls up to Lindsay’s house and walks to the door)

INT LINDSAY’S HOUSE

(Doorbell rings)

(Lindsay opens the door and Gabe is standing their with a single red rose)

Lindsay: “Hey honey.”

(Gabe leans in for a kiss)

Gabe: “Happy one month.”

Lindsay: “You too.”

(Turning around and shutting the door behind her)

Lindsay: “Bye Mom, love you.”

DARCY: “Love you too, have fun!”

(The two walk to the car and Gabe opens the door to help Lindsay in. He shuts the door, walks around the car and gets in the driver seat)

INT CAR

(“Save Tonight” by Eagle Eye Cherry plays on the radio)

Gabe: “You hungry?”

Lindsay: “Of course.”

Gabe: “Ok, I forgot something at home, so we have to stop there first, then we can go. Sorry.”

Lindsay: “What did you forget?”

Gabe: “My money.”

EXT GABE’S HOUSE

(Gabe pulls into the driveway)

Gabe: “Come in with me.”

Lindsay: “Why?”

Gabe: “Just come in, it will be a minute.”

(Lindsay reluctantly gets out of the car)

INT GABE’S HOUSE

Gabe: “Come up stairs with me.”

Lindsay: “What is going on?”

Gabe: “Nothing, just come on.”

(Lindsay becomes more weary, she and Gabe climb the stairs to his room)

(Gabe opens the door)

(Lindsay sees a dark room lit by a single candle that is burning between two plates on a blanket laid out in the middle of the room)

Lindsay: “What is this?”

Gabe: “Happy 1 month.”

(Lindsay just has a confused look on her face)

Gabe: “This is our picnic. Its raining so we had to do it inside.”

Lindsay: “Are we not going out to dinner?”

(Gabe laughs)

Gabe: “This is dinner. I made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with mac and cheese.”

Lindsay: “Who did this?”

Gabe: “Me with a little help. Sit down, it’s ok.”

(The two sit on the blanket in the middle of the room)

Lindsay: “I am so confused.”

(Gabe laughs)

Gabe: “I wanted to make it special and just the two of us.”

Lindsay: “Are we still going to the movie?”

Gabe: “Yes, we are just eating here.”

(Lindsay still trying to figure things out is quiet and a little nervous)

Gabe: “I hope this is ok.”

Lindsay: “Its great.”

(The two sit in the candle lit room laughing and talking. Lindsay becomes less nervous as the time goes by. After a dinner spent as two, they finally made it to the movie)

This was the first of 155 “1 months” Gabe and Lindsay would enjoy together. They continued on their date and neither one of them ever forgot that night.

Lindsay, I miss you, I love you, and I will never forget our special love. You gave me so many amazing memories and make looking back on my life enjoyable.

Hugs

Gabe